10 weeks, 5 days

I actually did not want to post this yet. I much prefer posting right after I've had an appointment and I know all is well inside. I have one Wednesday, as I turn the 11 week mark. I will post again then. But I figured I'd been silent almost a month, and at the very least I should let you guys know we're alive and well.

I continue to be amazed and humbled and sooooooo grateful that I am still pregnant! Never since the last miscarriage did I really, really, really think I could carry a baby without some sort of problem. I know, I don't have solid logic to cause this concern, but it just was a deep rooted fear. I am thankful every single day this baby is alive. And we are so grateful. Somehow even with my fears, I have held off asking for an earlier scan at the dr, but I'll be SO glad for Wenesday to be here.

I have been sick, a lot (week 10 has been the worst!). Sometimes whole days, sometimes only hours. The last 3 days, Jonathan has fixed us breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's so hard on my pride and self-sufficiency having him do what's suppose to be "my" duty. And yet he serves with gentleness and concern and love. He acts like it's nothing! And honestly, when I eat often, I get sick less frequently. I've even had the energy to clean some the past few days. Today he's back at work, so I'm back to taking care of myself for breakfast and lunch. But I'm grateful to know he'll be here to help for dinner. Since I depsise the smell of cooking food, he's been pretty amazing on the grill and thinking of things that don't create smells inside (baked potatoes always work!). I don't have cravings but I have tons of aversions. For example: I hate chicken and seafood right now.

We actually had to spend 14 days apart these last 2 weeks. Jonathan had a training exercise that was joint Air Force-Navy in Nevada. When my dad heard I would be alone, he SO generously offered to buy me a ticket to visit them up in Vermont (the family was vacationing there for the month of June). So that's where I headed to! He flew me out of a local airport, a mere 20 minutes from the house rather than the 2 hour trip to the Atlanta airport. Although the flying was horrible on my sickness and energy level (people should not be allowed to wear cologne/perdume at 6am), being in Vermont was so much fun! I loved hanging out with my family, going to our old favorite spots, having my mother cook all sorts of delicious and nutritious meals, and just plain relaxing with them. I missed Jonathan terribly(we all did, as he & I had joined them last time in Vermont in '05). Somehow we survived with lots of phone calls, emails, webcams, and texts. Next time, we agree I'm going with him (you can't know ahead of time what's do-able/allowed/feasable).

Anyway, I'll close with some pictures of Vermont (actually, I don't have time today, but I'll upload them Wednesday!) Back to work.

7 week Ultrasound

Well... we went in Wednesday for the 7 week appointment. I was scared the baby might not be alive. Afterall, I'd had two cramps the evening before, and cramps send me into panic mode.

Ah, but no.... I caught the little "flashing" on the screen. Baby measuring 7weeks 0days (exactly what it should be). Heart rate 140. Wow. Could we be this fortunate?

After the ultrasound I had to have the regular OB first timers visit. It was weird! Most of the conversation with the midwife was about the nuchal fold test & triple screen, delivery options, forming a birth plan, and how good I'd feel in the 2nd trimester. I kept sitting there, wanting to interrupt her, telling her it was too early to talk about this. That she should save her time until it's certain I get that far. I know, that's terrible. But I do not take even one day of this baby's life for granted that it'll go on. The conversation was just so unexpected. Even Jonathan agreed to how weird it was. We assumed with pregnancy #1 = baby. This time, no such assumptions. Every day a blessing, a milestone, an accomplishment, a relief.

I have to wait 4 weeks to go in again. Booooooooooo. Then they'll try to hear the heartbeat with the doppler. If they don't get it, we'll do an ultrasound. She did tell me if I started to get too worried/paniced, they'd gladly have me come in earlier to do an ultrasound. It's reassuring I have her blessing on that, because I honestly can't see waiting a month and not going crazy.

And lastly.... just a little remembrance. Without any difference than any other day, June 3rd came and went. Our first baby's due date. That thought is sad, but being pregnant right now at least gives me a new perspective and some hope for anothe child. I try to focus on the possibilities ahead of me, while remembering what we've been through to get here. I miss that child not being in our life right now, but I am grateful to have renewed hope beating away inside me. I'm grateful God has given us Life for now. So very very grateful.

A Milestone Reached

Today was a milestone. I completed a day in this pregnancy when my last one ended. The last baby I lost 6w4d in the evening. Today I'm 6w5d and feeling good. The intense pains I've had over the last 2 weeks have generally subsided (determined by ultrasound to be caused by enlarged ovaries and lots of cysts and fluid from IVF). I have never had a single cramp (Praise God!), although the pains had me fearing a tubal ectopic (since IVF increases your chances of that to 3-5%).

Anyway, it's been so hard enjoying anything about this pregnancy as I have so worried about losing this one too. I kept thinking if I got to certain milestones, I'd stop fearing. Apparently fear is always there. It's a daily battle. Hourly at times. But I keep fighting. Praying. Asking for help.

I'm overwhelmed by all your love (not surprised, just overwhelmed). I appreciate ANY of the continued prayers - we feel so in need of them for this to keep progressing and this baby to grow. Literally. Thank you so much.

One more day until the 7 week ultrasound, where I can get the heartbeat measured, and we can determine growth accomplished since last week. Praying so hard it's good news.