The Unasked Question

I know that as Elyana is growing older, more people will begin to wonder or ask outright a question about her sibling status.

If I'm feeling humorous, I'll wryly grin and say, "Well, she's got two siblings already, frozen in San Antonio." But depending on the recipient of the answer, that can come off as callous, which it's not at all intended.

Basically, though, many of my friends try to keep their children's age at a 2 and 3 year span apart. It's natural to wonder when and if we might want another.

The short answer? Of course we want more children!!!

The long answer is, how to get there. Honestly, in our minds, we have to plan as if each pregnancy must be proceeded with plans for IVF. We will do everything in our power to conceive naturally, but it's not expected to work in our minds. Therefore, there's not much disappointment to handle if it doesn't occur naturally. We make plans for when we should travel back to San Antonio, we set aside money for the cost. We consider how the whole IVF process will affect Elyana, knowing we need her to be old enough to handle my being away for all those appointments.

Having Elyana has taken away the pain of infertility. So even though we want more, it is not the same magnitude of an issues in my heart about whether that will occur of not. We've prayed about adoption and talked about our desire to adopt, so we know we could pursue a larger family if IVF were to not work again. Although we dearly desire it to work.

Our general plans are to try IVF next year. Honestly, I look at Elyana, I enjoy my days with her so much, and I don't find myself longing for another. I love each stage with her. I love spending time every day teaching and training and playing with her. So while I want it, I'm not aching for it. A sibling will change my relationship with her, and will cause her to grow up in many ways. I don't want to intentionally pursue dividing my attention with another child before I feel ready. Many families don't have this option to even consider. But since conceiving is so hard for us, we really can be thoughtful and mindful about it. So I will be grateful for the pause I have to consider.

I guess that's it. Nothing concrete, but I did want to catch you all up on where my/our thoughts are on the issue. Looking at newborn pictures turns my heart, but greeting my little cheerful girl who stands up in her crib and asks to snuggle on our bed does as well!!!

Open Letter

(*Note, I did not create this piece of writing. I do not think I have the courage to write such thoughts down. But the sentiments are mine, and would be those of any woman sturggling with years of infertility and a recent miscarriage.*)

To the many expectant and soon-to-be expectant mothers in my life (with love):

I know this is a very special time for you – a time filled with excitement, anticipation and unbounding love for your baby soon to enter the world. This time is for you – a chance to celebrate, to contemplate, to prepare. This is your moment to delight in the joy of expectancy, to embrace the promise of parenthood, to exude radiance. To rejoice in feeling life grow inside with every fluttering heartbeat, every kick. Soon you will enter the sacred sisterhood of women who become mothers, forever transforming their lives. Soon your arms will hold new life, as you bask in the warm glow of your child’s beaming eyes. Soon your heart will fill when you hear his/her laughter, the tight grasp around your finger. You will marvel at the wondrous little being you created out of love, in an act more natural than any in the world.

And yet. As you enter perhaps the most magnificent time in your life, we are finding our way through crisis, trying to navigate a life-altering journey with persistence and grace. We don’t know where it will lead us, how it will end. Our future is uncertain. I don’t expect many people to understand what we are going through. But I would hope that you would try to appreciate that it is real. It is crushing. It underlies and permeates every aspect of our lives, everything we do. As impossible as it is to imagine, as hard as it is to see, and as challenging as it is to live, it is our life and our story. And it is staggering. Such a primal urge, a natural instinct, a deep desire – unmet, unfilled, unlived…

The truth is, unless you’ve experienced the deep sorrow of repeated failures or a devastating loss in your quest for a child, I don’t think you can know what I feel. Unless your dreams for a family have been shattered time after time, no matter how hard you pray or will them to come true, you can’t know the tremendous sorrow that lives deep in my heart. Unless you’ve been defeated by the consistent betrayal of your own body, unless you’ve felt broken to the core, you can’t know the ache of my empty womb as time moves on…

But as my friend and loved one, I would hope that you can open your heart and mind to try to appreciate where I’m coming from, where I am. That you can understand I may need time and space to heal, to deal. That you will not take it personally or take offense. That with love and compassion you might try to understand this is not about you. (I know, I said before it’s all about you, but this part is about me.) I sincerely hope you can accept that my actions and emotions reflect my own affliction, and not my feelings about you or your child.

I will wholly embrace your baby into this world with blessings and an open heart. But just as my joy for you is not diminished by my own suffering, my pain is not diminished by sharing your joy. My heart still aches, my arms long to be filled, and my womb lies empty, still…

Perhaps we’re both incapable of seeing beyond our own experience at this moment in time. Understandable. But as I find joy in my heart for you in my time of crisis, please have compassion in your heart for me in your time of joy.

Thoughts on Suffering...

While in church this morning, I was having thoughts about how being in need actually increases our spiritual awareness. Yesterday we caught the end of a shark program and the guy on there was going out (in a normal swim suit) to some 4-foot water where many sharks were swimming around. He was trying to prove that sharks weren't predatory toward humans, that if they attack it's because we made them feel unsafe. With a badly scarred leg from a recent shark bite, he mentioned how he now goes out hungry, to keep his senses acute.

I guess when we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name" this morning, I realized times of suffering, pain, and darkness keep our spiritual senses acute. I know when I have a glaring need in my life, I am much more purposeful about times in the Word and prayer with the Lord. I recognize and know my need much more readily. Trials in life remind us this in not our home, and they remind us we're put here for more than earthly pleasure. Clearly there is something Eternal more worthy than all this.

I Peter 1:6-9 tells us, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I sang: "Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name. Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise, When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name."

I thought how singing this at times in church is easy, and other times it's hard. Sometimes a song like this takes faith to even say the words. How often at CrossBridge in San Antonio the church sang this and I could barely choke it out, tears just pouring rapidly. Today, in what feels like the calm before the storm, I sang - knowing soon I'll be tested on calling Him blessed and praising perhaps in darkness. I hope I'm ready. I find myself thinking more and more about IVF next month, religiously checking the blogs of my current friends doing IVF to see whether theirs failed or succeeded - as if that had any bearing on us! I find myself unable to grasp how I'd feel if it were a complete failure. So I just pray for a ready heart.

July Happenings

The lack of updates has been directly related to the amount of activity in the Wilson household. As usual, we've traveled around a lot. Sometimes I've had my camera, other times I have simply been satisfied to live the moment rather than capture it.

I continue to be deeply touched at how many of the people I've gotten to see face-to-face since our IVF decision have honestly desired to talk about it. I expected a lot more of the "elephant in the room" syndrome and frankly, some censure too. But I've really just had kind, curious, interested people. Thank You - all of you - for your genuine love so far! It still seems so far away (over a month until my 1st appt), and yet I'm glad for this time to reflect and continue to enjoy this honeymoon-like state I find myself in with Jonathan and his current Air Force schedule. I purchased my 1st ticket out for an initial appointment, and it cost $5 because I was able to use Delta miles. Over a year ago, Jonathan realized how much travel we were doing and wisely switched us to a credit card that rewards with miles. His foresight has allowed 4 free tickets so far!

I continue to try my hand at another step in domesticity as I'm sewing curtains for the living room. Crystal helped a lot reading the pattern and teaching things I was "expected" to know. It's been joyful to productively spend time each day on a project so gratifying!

The garden has been pouring in produce each day. Our biggest producers are yellow squash, okra, and tomatoes. The beets' growth are stunted, and the watermelons have but a week or two more to ripeness! The 2nd corn planting hasn't happened yet. Because of the heavy tomato volume, at Crystal's encouragement, we bought 2 lbs of buffalo mozzarella at Sam's and have nightly been serving "Salad Caprese". You simply slice the tomatoes and mozarella into rounds, layering it alternately on a plate. Then drizzle on extra virgin olive oil, balsamic vinegar, fresh basil shreds, fresh-ground pepper and sea salt. Truly delicious with all fresh ingredients!

Now, because I have little to add at the time, I shall conclude with a picture update of the last 2 weeks. I shall attempt more regular updates!!!

The Fourth Of July - Graydons, Wilsons, Robinsons, O'Malleys.
Girls Jumping in the pool, then Christopher & Sarah. She is SO cute.

Suzanne had a broken toe, so she couldn't walk much. Here's Cath & Suz talking, then Steph & Mary in the pool.


Katrina Joy! Crystal outside the aircraft that took us back to Georgia. Jonathan let her fly for about 30 minutes, & she liked it.


Seth & Carter... love the bald head.... Then Jonathan cooking up Injera (Ethiopian flat bread). What a good meal!


This is the runway at Robins... And Jonathan bringing us in for a landing. His landings honestly are better than I've ever experienced - very smooth!


Crystal & me at the Atlanta Acquarium... Jonathan & me at a South African restaurant we took Crystal to, called 10 Degrees South. Truly delicious.


Crystal playing with my kitty Peaches, then her and I at our Daily Starbucks trip! How many wonderful talks we had there!

Ponderings.... & News

Knowing that God is sovereign doesn’t mean we must have dry eyes and respond with passivity to prove we have faith. It means we rest in the assurance that He’s in control, despite our pain. As a sovereign and good God, He is not taken by surprise when his children suffer. Rather than be thwarted, his purposes advance through our suffering. Therein lies the tension, though. God is all-loving, yet he allows this pain; God is all-powerful, yet he doesn’t take away the hurt. So we ask: Is God good and will I trust Him? These are the most important questions we can ask and answer on the infertility journey."

So this quote is very specific and it's not deeply thought-provoking in the way C.S. Lewis's quotes are, but it's True. I think the root of most people's hardship with their particular form of trials/suffering is the question of God's goodness and intentions [for us]. Having faced trials in the past, we can (with assurance) say that God is Good and His intentions are for our sanctification and His glory. Whether our sanctification is His chastisement for sin in our lives, or just pruning areas of lesser fruit out, we are being transformed into the image of His Son.

I've been reading a book particular to our unique situation and I've come away with a lot of good quotes for my benefit. I've also come away realizing that I'm not such an anomaly, what I experience on a day to day basis in my spiritual life, marriage, friendships, and family relaitonships is quite common, even in the Bible! With that said...

We have news. Ever since moving we've been trying to continue protocols at the clinic back in San Antonio. Our 6 months away from there has yielded only one trip. We've been waiting for the next opportunity, which looked like July or August (due to Jonathan's training schedule). Since we moved, we've been on the waiting list for the IVF program there, and had a spot in April 2008. Until then, we'd continue the treatments available. Now though, we were just offered a spot in the Aug/Sep 2007 cycle - yes, this summer! Shocked and astounded are the words to describe my feelings. For many days now I've wrestled with even sharing that we're proceeding with IVF. This is an issue most Christians know little about, may not personally know anyone who's been through it, may be misinformed concerning it, and perhaps hold opinions/convictions against it.

I didn't want people's judgement and I personally desired to maintain our privacy (what's left of it!). And yet, there's fear of man as a motivation in there (as Meghan graciously noted!). Then Jonathan and I talked and he pointed out that if we're really doing this with lots of prayer and counsel, and faith that it's ethical and right (with convictions on certain factors), then why should we not tell? Don't Christians need to know? Should not we testify? So, no good reasons for not sharing.

Until I walked through IF, I had no idea how many women in the church were walking that same path. It was only when one person opened up that a host of others would too. And how many of those cute children running around that were Clomid, IUI, of IVF babies!

However, please know that my heart is saddened that we're here, facing this. As much as all the repeated failed treatments had me wanting IVF, now that it's here it's gut-wrenching. It is said that "infertility is the gradual death of a dream. An unsuccessful attempt to have a child is really a loss within a loss. An infertility patient experiences a monthly cycle of hope and despair that falls within the much longer grieving process." How true! Instead of romantic lighting and gentle moments, we'll have a cold, sterile environment with a room full of doctors while I'm "consciously sedated". And yet, we are excited and full of faith that this next step is one God wants us to take. We're excited because on our own we've yet to achieve anything: this could very well work! Don't misunderstand: it is God who will determine the outcome. No one can force an embryo into existance, and no one can implant it in the uterus and produce a pregnancy. All they can do is help guide the process along. The success rate for IVF is about 50%, depending on your diagnosis. We're unexplained, so that's a big unknown.

So for now, we pray, get counsel, answer some tough questions, prepare, write our check, and wait to buy tickets for the time we're told. Oh - and for fun we get blood drawn! :)

My Friend Jeanie

I'd like to single out a friend of mine for her selfless and incredibly sensitive heart. A friend who deserves so much more than a blog entry.

My friend Jeanie sent out an email to me on Mother's Day, early Sunday morning. For those of you who missed the fact, Jonathan and I have been fervently trying to conceive for 22 months. Jeanie's email was titled simply "Praying for you." It wasn't pages long, but in her paragraphs she communicated compassion for me. She conveyed her understanding that perhaps I may be sad on mother's day through her own trials the day has brought. And she reminded me God is "near to the brokenhearted." She told me I'm an example and she loves me, and she prays for me.

Simple words, when one considers them. And yet they so filled my heart with joy and appreciation for this precious girl's friendship. For who she is.

Why I openly weep upon reading the email was something different though. This gentle, caring girl is spending her very first mother's day without her dear, faithful, Godly mother. The Lord took her mother away from her 9 months ago yesterday, after a long battle with cancer where her example was clearly one of Hebrews 11 in action... dieing in faith, having not received healing, but with absoute trust in God's Holy and Good character.

On what must be one of the three hardest days in the year for Jeanie, she looked at the Body of Christ and thought of anyone but herself. She looked at other's pain or heartache, rather than even consider her own (which is far greater than mine, I KNOW). How selfish I am not to be more like her! How her example inspires me to be other-focused, to think of serving others and not myself! To not nurse the own pains of my heart.

I know why Jeanie did this, how she has that maturity - she has learned at her mother's feet, in her life and by her death Kathy Bowers exemplified caring for others, living as Christ did. On the cross Christ prayed for those killing him, that they'd be forgiven. Isn't that the height of not thinking of yourself? I only pray that I can learn from these women and my life would be ever more made like Christ's.

Last Mother's Day, Jeanie made this tribute on Mother's Day. I'd encourage you to read it if you haven't, because this kind of life changes hundreds of those is touched, by inspiring deeper faith, perserverance, love and Christ-like character: http://girltalk.blogs.com/girltalk/2006/05/a_tribute_to_ka_1.html

What are Your Odds?

Perhaps if I could detail the percentage game as well as this doctor, and the numbers would roll off my tongue as easily as the Starbucks drink menu does, I wouldn't be frustrated as often once a conversation on the subject ended? For all your sports fans keeping count, this is month 22. FWIW

by Dr. Licciardi, NYU Fertility Center
I bet that most of you don’t know. You were never told, but you should have been. I’ll go through it now. Please understand that many of the numbers are estimates.
Let’s start with trying on your own. In the first try, if you are under about 35, it is about 30%. In the second month it goes down a little, and if you are not getting pregnant, it goes lower and lower each month. In your 13th month (after about a year of trying), it’s 3%. The reason it gets lower is that if you are not getting pregnant, there is probably a reason, and your odds were really 3% in your first month. The numbers are a little higher if you’ve had a baby. They are lower if you are older. Many people are surprised by this number, but it’s been studied again and again. The goal of fertility treatment is to increase the 3%.
Clomid with insemination is 8%, lower if you are older. FSH IUI is 20%, but only 5% in women over 40. Future writings will discuss these drugs separately. Subtract a few points without the IUI. Subtract points for low sperm counts.
To help answer the question about when to go to IVF, just look at the numbers and decide. Cost is another factor to consider. On one hand, Clomid IUI is a lot cheaper than IVF, but on the other, the cost of 3 cycles of monitored Clomid IUI can add up. Many women with a normal HSG and good sperm do a few cycles of Clomid IUI, then a few cycles of FSH IUI, then IVF. However, there are no rules about this. After hearing the odds, especially when accounting for age, some quickly go to IVF. I'll discuss IVF pregnancy rates later.

Back Home

Safely Home! Claudia - THANK YOU for commenting!!!!! I want to hear all about your trip!

The "funny" part of arriving at the airport Saturday morning was we saw long lines coming out of terminal 2 and it was due to terminal 1 being closed due to a bomb threat/scare! I'm tellin' ya people, don't we pick the days to travel? I made my flights, but Jonathan's was delayed so he missed his connection in Houston, so he arrived 1 1/2 hours later than me in Atlanta. Not a problem for either of us, when you're headed home time isn't of the essense. We don't usually travel separate, but I was on a FF ticket, and we booked the cheapest we could for him.

After the rough start, the rest of my week in San Antonio went smashingly. The more I see my doctor there, the more I thank God he's so diligent, caring, and helpful. Everything really went as perfectly as it could. The outcome is in God's hands, but at least I'm leaving with absolutely no regrets or second thoughts about how everything went.

Our friends we stayed with were awesome! I got to babysit their 14 month old for their anniversary dinner, we all went out for dinner on the Riverwalk another night, and each day Rebecca and I got tons of time for spiritual, personal, and fun conversations. We even took a trip to Starbucks with the little gal!

Now I thought I'd post some sweet pics over the past few week's events. How I love visiting family and friends.

Here's the cutie I got to play with every day!


This was Catherine and me at a pecan grove when the Wilsons visited

The cutest and smartest 2 year old ever! & I'm not too biased!

The Graduates!!!! (in May)

And this little girl will be 1 in less than a month! She's sooo pretty!

Mary's diligently showing her moves!

Texas Update

Well, I said I'd update so here I'm keeping my promise. I honestly didn't have time or even ability to write until this moment. A really good cry and a talk with my sister Mary allowed me to finally write this without a lot of pent up frustration and hurt.

My flight out was a literal nightmare. I had a 5:00 flight from Greensboro to Atlanta. It was to arrive at 6:00 in ATL with a connecting 8:30 takeoff for San Antonio. As I checked in, I was told the flight from Atlanta was delayed by an hour from mechanical problems. A sinking feeling overcame me as I feared I wasn't being told the possible "worst case" scenario. Foolishly, I sat and waited, believing them. At around 7:30 I was told we would be even later, totally missing my flight to San Antonio, the last of the night! I frantically talked to ticket agents (& got sweet Jonathan & Mary to look for possible flights elsewhere). I prompted them to look for flights out of RDU, CLT, GSO or even ATL (I said I'd drive there - and the ticket agent replied, "You're that desperate?" to which I emphatically agreed). I had them look at ones going into San Antonio or Austin (an hour away). I wasn't given any hope for that night, but there was a flight leaving at 8:00 the next morning from Atlanta going to San Antonio. It was booked, as was the 10:00 but they said I could do standby. The best I got was a 12:00 arriving at 1:30. Understand, I had a 10:30 appointment at a very busy hospital where rescheduling might be out of the question. And missing it might mean canceling the rest of the treatment/plan. I knew if I could just get internet or someone to help me I could probably find my own solution. But my cell was dieing and we'd stupidly left the charger in GA. And a windstorm in NC knocked the power off. Plus, apparently you can't search for flights that leave in > 4 hours.

I finally arrived in Atlanta at 10:00 with the SAT plane already gone. An Austin flight was leaving at 10:30 but the unhelpful agents refused to let me try. The told me it was full, but I seriously doubt it! I should have pushed. I regret not pushing. Resigned to sleeping in ATL, I went to get my hotel voucher so at least I didn't have to fork out the money. Guess what? Yep, they're out. Only after 1 1/2 hours (not exaggerating) in line. At that point I didn't care. I forked out $200 for 3 hours of sleep and a shower. No chance on getting my suitcase, so I made due with what I could get. I went to bed at 1:30 and awoke before my alarm at 4:30. I headed to the airport to sandby for the 8:00 flight. As I get into the terminal I checked the gate and read "8:00 SAT CANCELED." I couldn't freakin believe my luck! Surely the 10:00 will be full to the brim with this! My dead cell caused me to buy a $30 charger to be able to call the doctor and cancel the appointment and ask nicely if anything else was available. I finally got the first food I'd had in 13 hours - a Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Latte - and sat to try to get internet. I then saw there was an 8:30 into Austin, arriving 10am! I tried to get the boarding ladies to let me stand by, but they insisted it was full and they couldn't change my arrival city. Sent to another counter, I begged that lady to help. She at first gave me the company line about being full and not being able to change my city. But after tearful pleading (I'd all-out unashamedly cried multiple times all throughout the airport the last 13 hours), she wonderfully got me a seat on that flight! Not standby, a seat!

Thrilled, I tried to change the rental car arrangements. The price was more than double! I wasn't in a position to negotiate. We took off at the time planned and arrived beautifully. I got my car and wept I was so glad to see Texas soil! My luggage wasn't around (understandably, it was in SAT). I drove to San Antonio and it flew by. I actually stopped quickly and bought new clothes, just so I wasn't so haggard. The doctor kindly called me and said they'd fit me in where they could. I finally made it there and headed to the clinic. I parked quicker than I ever have, except at 5:00am. There was a line of 7-8 ladies just to check in the clinic! My doctor appeared from behind a door and told me to come on back, probably really irritating all those waiting ladies! Once in the office, I couldn't believe the nightmare was over. I kept waiting for something awful to happen. But I was there. I was getting my ultrasound, and things looked good. There were no problems. I could breathe.

I think it took until now to actually release all my anger over everything I went though. Yes, it wasn't that awful in retrospect and yes, everything worked out fine. Anger isn't godly and I should have done better. But I didn't, and I'm dealing with it now and asking God to work the kind of patience and trust in me that I don't take such bumps so seriously. But I'm being honest.

Tonight, I gave myself my first IM (intra-muscular) shot. I did awesome, thank God for mirrors so I could do it! It was so easy. Even though the 1.25 inch needle looked scary, it wasn't. The sub-q inejctions were good preparation. I've posted a pic of my drugs, the IM needle, and me shooting up with the sub-q (no IM pics, it's a butt shot). I had to give myself a sub-q in the car on the way to the airport, for fear of having it confiscated from my carry-on luggage! I'm a pro now. I think Jonathan will be really glad to know in the future, I'll handle my own shots. But I'm glad he got to do it and understands what it's like.

I'll update with more fun news at week's end. Hopefully something fun in San Antonio is awaiting me, like a RiverWalk trip!

My drugs.... Well, one day's worth.

My sub-q shot

My IM needle

No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. -CS Lewis

This entry has been formulating in my head for about six months. I tried to write it a few times, and just couldn’t. Finally, I had all my thoughts completely written. I decided to post after our cruise. Then my hard drive died committed suicide Monday and certain things were not backed up. So I’m starting from scratch.
I am going to reveal something that takes a lot of courage and humbling on my part. I am divulging it to the online community of those who read my entries (which I know is far greater than the regular ones who post comments) rather than to a private, filtered group. I have chosen this because at this point, I actually believe my speaking out will do more good than my silence any longer. By baring myself, I may be helping others. Before I speak, I would like to make a few statements. I would like to ask that in what I say, you give me (and my husband, consequently) the benefit of the doubt as Christians. Most of you probably have no personal experience in this area and limited exposure. Understand that I, As the Writer, share all this already feeling inadequate, alone, alienated, left out (intentionally and unintentionally), pitied (when I desire sympathy, not pity), lost, overlooked, and very broken. You, As the Reader, may feel criticized, misunderstood, a desire to comfort (but lost as to how), optimism for me, impatience toward me, awkwardness leading to avoiding talking to me about this… I probably have left things out that you the audience feel simply because I am not you and I cannot fully understand what you feel. With these thoughts in mind, let us please bear graciously with each other. Know too that I will merely graze the surface of what has transpired and continues to transpire; don’t assume this is exhaustive. With this preface that has piqued your curiosity I now proceed…
Think back twenty months ago to fall 2005, what were you doing then? What life changes have occurred since then: job change, move, engagement, marriage, death of a dearly loved one? That fall, Jonathan and I proceeded to a very normal step in new marriage… we sought through our love to bring a new life into this world. With joyful anticipation we kept the plan from our families, dearly wishing to surprise them with an announcement… at Thanksgiving… at Christmas… certainly before our move to Texas in January! By spring, with seven of my close friends having achieved pregnancy in their first/second months, I knew something wasn’t right. I begged and pleaded with military doctors to give me a referral to a specialist for testing. I was frustratedly turned away with a pat on the hand (“there, there”), an offer of a hankie, and the typical indolent advice that I was young, should relax, and I hadn’t been trying that long (yes, this still smarts). After attempting 3 different doctors, in May my referral went through, and by August I went to my first appointment (yes, the wait is that long). After many less than fun tests and blood work on both Jonathan and me, we were labeled “unexplained infertility.” Understand, this just means “the absence of a definable cause for a couple's failure to achieve pregnancy after 12 months of attempting conception despite a thorough evaluation.” It does not mean either of us is infertile (def: unable to produce children). Period. It also doesn’t mean there isn’t a cause, it just means the medical field isn’t advanced enough to figure it out.
There are very few MTF’s (military treatment facilities) that specialize in RE (Reproductive Endocrinology) to provide evaluation and services. Without the MTF’s, the cost is entirely out-of-pocket and terribly expensive. 1 of the ~6 in the US happened to be in San Antonio. We tried different protocols there, and plan more trips in the future. My revelation now allows more openness (which I desire) for future things that seem of import in my life: the subcutaneous shots I’ll self-administer, that trip to the ER last October and why I’m concerned about it reoccurring, the last-minute flights out to San Antonio, how good my husband has gotten at intramuscular shots (*grins*), etc. I won’t post about this often, as there are times without much to say. But now I am no longer hiding…