Awaiting Baby Boy's Arrival. :)

So... I'm just 5-8 days from my official due dates with Baby Boy (I only had two ultrasounds, and one dated him at 7/4, the other at 7/7 - since I did not really know my LMP).

I wanted to take a moment, to gather my thoughts here as I'm in the waiting mode.

I am so excited to meet my son. I cannot wait to see that beautiful newborn, to smell his skin, to nurse him, to hold him and watch him in person.

But I'm actually grateful for every single day I get with Elyana alone. I am savoring each hug, each book, each time putting her to bed. I'm savoring the moments before I'm exhausted, listening out for another baby crying, or nursing and unable to chase her or work puzzles with her. She has been so affectionate lately too, I really think it's rather a cyclical thing: the more you love on your child and savor them, the more they feel loved and reciprocate. The truth is, as real life moves on, it's hard to keep that in front of you. But with being on the edge of something life-changing for us, I find it easy to realize this could be my "last" uninterrupted whatever with her, and I savor it. I tell her over and over how much I love her, and how she's my firstborn and she holds such a special place in my heart.

I go back and forth between being very exited about experiencing another birth, and with feeling a bit scared and wondering, "Can I do it again?" (naturally) It's weird, since I never doubted myself the first time. I have even had times of contractions and prodromal labor, where I silently prayed "Not yet, not now..." I didn't feel ready physically (as in, these were always at night, when I was already sleep-deprived and tired). This will sound silly, but I also did not feel ready with the state-of-my-house. I just wanted to get my floors swept/mopped and my bathrooms all cleaned one more time before the baby comes. I have accomplished the floors, not yet all 3 bathrooms (1/3 so far). I know that's ridiculous.

We've got Elyana's schedule taken care of, as she'll be with some dear friends we were in training at Holloman with - friends with 3 girls who Elyana adores, and they live 2-3 minutes away (on the way to the hospital even)! Her bag is packed, she's been told many times what will happen. My bag is packed, although I hope to only be there one night!

So for now, I wait on the date of his birth. Each night, I use an iPhone app to do his kick-count. I have learned a lot more since having Elyana, and one thing that I did learn was how important it is to monitor you baby's routine and what is normal for them in regard to movement. Just a simple count to 10 movements/kicks recorded each day could help alert you as the mother to potential problems (such as cord accidents, which apparently happen very slowly). No, I'm not worried about it, but it's one more thing you can do to protect your unborn baby - like taking folic acid or a prenatal vitamin before you TTC so that the neural tube develops properly. I love knowing I am the one person in the world who knows this child better than anyone else, and therefore it is entrusted to me to do everything in my power to take care of him and protect him.

The one thing I am ready to be rid of is how difficult it is to sleep well, walk and in general just get around. Carrying around 25 extra pounds right on your middle of a wiggly little one and everything that entails is tough. I remember so clearly with Elyana how some things magically resolve as soon as the baby is out... Heartburn literally disappears. And sleep, though it's broken up now, becomes deep and refreshing. Those things, I am excited to embrace.

So I am at peace. Excited for what is to come, but absolutely sure that each day is a Gift to us of just Us Three. So with a grateful heart, I head to bed....

Catch up!

Just two months since my last post. Time has flown. And dragged. And flown.

I am so grateful for the stage God has us in now. Grateful. One reason I did not blog (aside from morning sickness, exhaustion, and so much unpacking/settling to do) was things were really rough here. Specifically, with mothering Elyana. Remember how I posted Elyana's 20 month update and explained how it was like being in a "honeymoon" stage with her??? Well, as with all stages, that one seemed to end as soon as we moved here.

We moved here on Oct 28th, flew out on the 29th, and were gone for 2 weeks to NC, followed by a 4-day cross-country drive in our truck while we towed our Mustang. All the travel, being in so many different places an beds and room set-ups, obviously was hard on her. In one hotel where we had an expected 5-hours of sleep before absolutely having to get up the next morning, after midnight when Elyana couldn't sleep and was in bed with us since the peapod was hopeless that night, she was crying "home, home" because I think she just didn't even know what that was anymore!!! :( So, when we finally got here on the 16th of November, we were bone-weary yet with a full house to unpack. And the next morning of course, I discovered one reason I was especially weary - our little one!!! (Can't help but smile!) What followed was 21 days exactly of Elyana waking between 2-10 times every single night, and not napping some days (she has always been so predictable and easily sleep-trained). Sometimes, it would start within 5 minutes of being laid down for the night, and she would call me every few minutes. Other times, she'd sleep peacefully for hours, and it would start in the wee morning hours. She would ask for very specific "stalling" type things like more water (of course that's fine!), crackers, me to sing to her, rock her, sleep in our bed, etc. I really did not feel there should be one firm answer (like always give water, but never sing to her any more than our usual pre-bedtime). I just really thought I should be understanding, gentle, but firmly continue to impress upon her "Ok, but it's night-night time right now. No more calling Momma just to ask me to sing." Of course, some nights I sang over and over. Some nights I told her "no more asking Momma to sing, if you ask again, I won't do it until morning." And I'd stick to that. After a couple weeks of that not working, we tried Jonathan going in instead of me (fail!). I tried telling her if she called again (after a bunch of times) that I would not come back. Different things worked different times. I prayed SO much those weeks. I prayed and prayed for wisdom, patience, discernment, and for her to have peace mostly!!! I just felt it was mostly an unsettledness in her spirit, and perhaps a bit of her learning how to start "bedtime excuses". But I felt she was really too young for that.

Anyway, I have heard over and over that it takes 21 days to form a new habit, and I honestly will say on night 22 here in this house, she slept through the night, without ever calling me, for the first time. And it continued for days. Now, we're more of 1-3 wake-ups per week, which is fairly normal for us. All I have to do is cover her, give her water, or just love on her. Half the time I think she's not really awake! I just want to say, children need and crave schedules and consistency so very much! I know the Lord has equipped me to be her mother specifically, and gives me wisdom when I ask (James 1:5,6).

Throughout all that, I was in the very hard stages of pregnancy sickness and exhaustion. I'm sure I was anemic, at once point I had to crawl up the stairs because I literally felt walking required too much exertion. :( (Thankfully, that was a day Jonathan had off and had taken Elyana out for a few hours so I could sleep.) But add my exhaustion to her lack of sleep, and there were nights I was just thinking "How can I ever, ever manage two children?"

Then, add to it Elyana starting (in December?) a very difficult willful, fussy/whiny, clingy-to-momma, unable to play by herself, and demanding stage. I really think it only just now ended, with the start of February (so three weeks of bliss). I know it's not easy being her, but it's also confusing being a parent to an angel one day and a little tyrant the next. :) We love her so very much, but that doesn't mean we have unlimited patience with every stage. Anyway, God is gracious and all I can say is, Thank You Jesus for this current phase.

It's not perfect. Certainly it's not like the honeymoon 20-month stage. But it's good! She makes up the cutest stories, is so interactive, has her favorite pastimes and books, loves crafting time, is eager to learn, and just melts our hearts with her outright singing and cracking jokes to herself. Even her mischief cracks me up. (For example, she currently thinks the words poop, toot, and pee are very funny. But she knows she's not suppose to say them casually. So she's taken to singing songs like "Winnie the Pooh" and instead saying "Winnie the Foop" because it rhymes with poop and therefore makes her giggle. See?!?!)

Now, what I haven't announced on here, since most of you all are facebook friends, is that we found out Baby #2 is a BOY!!!!! We are so very excited. We did not care, but what a joy it's been planning/dreaming for a boy. And I finally am really bonding to this child in a special way now that I know the gender. There's something that makes each kick and hiccup personal when I think "that's my son" or "that's my little guy." We talk to Elyana about her "baby brother" and it's been wonderful feeling like I am getting months to prepare her in a mental and tangible way for his arrival. And how very excited I am to be halfway now, halfway to meeting him, our surprise, miracle, baby boy!

Ok, I apologize for the novel. Love you all very much!!!!

Where To Start?

Life, life, life... So busy it flies by month by month and I wonder how my days have turned into months. How have full seasons passed with my feeling entirely wrapped up in a daily busyness? It’s a good busyness, though. Throughout the summer and especially our time in New Mexico, I would rise and greet the day with burgeoning plans OUTDOORS. Oh the glories of the weather and the many things to do! I find myself sorry that it’s winter here in a new town (Las Vegas) and a new home, with nary a friend to call to meet for coffee or to let our children play. If the summer/fall was my daily wonder and the glorious enjoyment of all things delightful, then winter is my time of plodding. Ever since arriving in our home, 11 days ago, I am plodding. Plodding through boxes, through books to store with no bookshelves anymore, plodding through meals and laundry to keep up with amidst LIFE. Plodding through morning (all day!) sickness. Plodding through serious sleep issues with my girlie. Plodding through finding a church, feeling isolated, missing old friends, missing out having Elyana be outdoors 50% of the day, missing out on the familiar.  And sunshine. In Vegas, by 4:30 it’s dark outdoors. We’re right on the edge of the Pacific/Mountain time-zone, and we lose that extra hour of sunlight. Plus, it’s just overcast.

Now, I’m not complaining. I’m so grateful for a beautiful home, a loving husband, a precious daughter, and so many things in my past that have filled my life with joy. I know those await here. In time. This is my season of waiting, plodding, getting things done. It doesn’t help that I can’t find my REAL Bible yet. With our limited room, I packed a small Bible of mine to New Mexico, and I miss my sturdy regular one. I don’t know where it is yet.

The biggest surprise (and challenge, honestly) was finding out, our first morning here (Wednesday, November 17) that I was Pregnant!!!! Pregnant, unbeknownst to me! Pregnant naturally! I was dumbfounded. For days I’d pass by the positive pregnancy test thinking, “Is this real?” Elyana took 33 months, 3 failed IUIs, 2 IVFs. This, without even knowing the date of my last cycle?!? This, when I was 7 weeks along at that? I had stopped praying to get pregnant (after Elyana was born). I acknowledged it could happen, when asked, but I never considered it for real. We had peace thinking we would build our family with IVF, if the Lord allowed more successes. We had called WH and signed up for April 2011 to try IVF again. And here I was, pregnant.

I am really at a place of being in awe of God’s workings. And of not understanding. I just know He deserves much praise for what He has done! His miraculous healing to my infertility – now to the very inability to conceive on my own – what a work! I stand amazed at My Healer. I stand so humbled, when He has already given me the ONE child I asked for, that He has graciously entrusted another into our care. What can I do but bow in reverence and thanksgiving?!

I have battled some very serious exhaustion and morning (all day) sickness, hence why it’s been such a challenge on top of being required to do so much more than I normally would have to (moving in!). But there is grace. And Jonathan has been more than patient with my inability to move some evenings, or smell food (let alone cook it). Praise God for him!

So, I am alive, I am here, and I am checking in because I miss you all!!!