One Year Ago Today...

Elyana, as a little 7-cell, Grade B embryo, was transferred into my uterus. 3 days before that, Elyana was conceived. At the transfer, the doctor was running an hour behind, and I was suppose to have a full bladder for my scheduled time... So that was a very uncomfortable transfer! Our embryos looked a little better than last time. We put 2 7-cells in and still had some 6's, 5's and 4's growing (the time before we'd put in a 6 and 5 and had 5's and 4's growing). We had to fly back to Atlanta the next day, and I was so nervous about it all. I just wanted to be on bedrest for a day or two to give the embryos a good chance to implant, even though it's never been proven that this helps at all.

It seems like a lifetime ago I was at WH doing IVF for the second time. Seems like a lifetime ago I didn't know if I'd ever get to experience pregnancy and childbirth and looking at a baby that was Jonathan and my features mixed together. And here I am, with Elyana Ruth! "The Lord has answered" is what her names means - how I am reminded of that every day!

When she was just 3 days old, we were driving home from her first pediatrician visit. And I looked back at her in the carseat and began to talk to Jonathan. I told him how full my heart was right now. I began to tell him how I never knew if the pain of infertility would ever be gone. I had wondered if pregnancy would remove it, but even while pregnant I had pangs of it every now and then when I was reminded of how hard it was to get to that point, or something like that.... And then I told him, as I began crying (for joy), that now with Elyana here, having her had removed all the pain of the years of infertility. That was truly behind us, God had healed it all with our baby daughter. How amazing was that? I was so very happy, it was like being a different person. Except I wasn't, God had just freed me from a great, huge burden of the last 3 years. Jonathan felt the same way.

I never knew what was in store a year ago, as we headed out to the car that Saturday morning. I was excited and scared. And now I can look, and know God graciously answered the years of so many people's prayers. I am humbled, I am grateful, I am changed.

Thank you, Lord, for our little Elyana Ruth.

October 13th Entry

This post is a bit old, but I just have to post it. It's surrounding my thoughts and feelings on October 13th...
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One year ago today, after a grueling 7 hours in the ER, I lost my very first baby. My very first hard worked-for child. Jonathan's and my first fruits of our love. It was a day I never ever anticipated living through. While I did not expect to have trouble conceiving, that's something that gradually dawns on you and month by month the acceptance of it comes. But to have never walked with a family member or close friend through a miscarriage basically left me blind-sided completely by the event. I'd heard of them, certainly, but they were something that happened to other people. And then there we were, having lost our own precious one and suddenly left with endlessly unfurling emotions and questions galore.

That child had been prayed for so very hard by us, by our family members, by all 3 of our small groups we'd gone through while trying to conceive, and by more church friends that I can even count. That baby was after 26 months of trying, after multiple medicated cycles, and finally by our first try at in-vitro. We hadn't even really expected it to work. So when it did, the idea of losing the baby was too unbelievable for us to even prepare for.

That day, we both grew into adults. We'd always felt somewhat like giddy teenagers with how blissful and happy our marriage and life was. Even the hard times. Ah, but now we had a precious child in heaven. We were grown-ups. And because Jonathan and I believe in absolutely being genuine in our faith, that means that the next many, many months were spent with a lot of questioning God's goodness, His part in answering our prayers, His part in conception or barrenness, His plans versus living in a fallen/evil world... We did not shy away from asking what can be faith-shaking questions. Because we did believe that if the faith we call Christianity is worth anything, then it is not intimidated or shaken by an earthly person's doubts. Christ does not shush and and tell us we "don't understand" or He doesn't scold for our frail humanity and limited perspective. Often He answers the very way He did Job: He reveals His nature and His Being, and seeing Who God is overwhelms us to the point where we realize our questioning doesn't always make sense because we don't grasp the vastness of God and the universe. Anyway....

We did walk through our most difficult trial in our lives up to this point. The most excrutiating and painful one we'd experienced. And we would reached different places emotionally on the journey, but at one point, there was such an immense emotional Oneness between Jonathan and me, I've never experienced that in our marriage. We were down at our very lowest, and most unsure, but we were there together. And then God had Jonathan deployed, and separately He started to mend my heart and give me a chance to try to trust Him again. He gave me peace with the question "Is God good?" Jonathan had to come home and work through everything on a different time-table as me then, but we both have been working together on a renewed understanding of it all.

I was so scared and doubtful going into IVF #2. That's why I didn't blog or call almost anyone about it. I had no idea what would happen. And when we did get pregnant, and the pregnancy was progressing, we just kept on holding our breath, waiting for something "bad". And it didn't come. And we realized we had to stop waiting and just had to thank God and open our hearts again and be vulnerable enough to, yes, even be hurt again. So far, the Lord has preserved this precious girl's life, and we have never stopped marveling and thanking Him.

But we still have a wound that will always be there, in our hearts, and especially ingrained on my mind, of our precious little lamb that went to be with Jesus last October 13th. I miss that child, as the knowledge of it reminds me occasionally. Like getting a card from Gerber in the mail talking about "your 4 month old". There are songs I heard right after the miscarriage, that will come on unexpectedly and reduce me to tears at the emotional recollection. And then I will touch my very-round belly and I will praise the Lord for the kindness of a child in me right now.

Do we know why we have had to walk this path? No. Are we willing to keep trusting God for the next steps in our lives? Yes. Are we perfect and fearless? No. But will we be vulnerable enough to allow the joy and the pain in? Yes.

And somewhere, I hope and pray I may use the consolation I received to be a shoulder to others and a hand reaching into their darkest days to say "I love you, I have been there, let me just be with you as you grieve."

We miss you little first child of ours. You are always our precious one. May you be worshipping Jesus and fully happy in His presence. We will meet you one day.

Well, it's been too long since an update. I've kept myself dutifully busy running here and there. Trying to let time pass as quickly as possible. I miss Jonathan terribly still, of course. I live for the times I get to webcam or talk to him, I plan my life around those wonderful times.

I realized I haven't said very much about my feelings in this pregnancy, just had the fun little updates. But I guess I feel like writing them now.

This pregnancy has really been amazing to us... Amazing that it happened, first off. I had no idea what to expect, and I didn't have nearly the optisim going through IVF the second time as I did the first. When we found out, and I went to show Jonathan that positive test, I was happy and scared. His first reaction (as far as I recall): let's call our parents and ask them to pray. We were scared, we'd done this once and so didn't want to lose this baby too. It's weird to call your parents to tell them you're pregnant, but not to be able to really be excited about it (or to allow them to be). But it just was. Those first few weeks were so tenuous. I worried every time I had a strange feeling, every time I went to the bathroom, and especially until I got that first ultrasound. Even getting it and seeing a heartbeat at 6wk, I wondered how long it might last. We prayed a lot, and kinda just held our breath. We told a few close people about it, but never really made any "announcement" like the first time.

For my own mental well-being, we purchased a Doppler online at ~9 weeks. It has been the best $100 we have ever spent. Every time I've lain down to listen to the baby's heartbeat, getting that reassuring sound in the 160 range always brings a smile to my face and peace to my heart. I love it!!! Now the baby moves a lot, so I don't use it nearly as often. But still, when it's 4 weeks between appointments, it was so important to have.

Jonathan and I really reached a crucible when we went to the 13 week NT scan. When we looked on the ultrasound screen, we saw the form of a baby! This child we'd been aching for, praying for, worrying over, it now had the features of a real baby, not a little bean anymore. It touched us so much and created an even deeper attachment to the baby. We were so moved and mezmorized. And we realized if losing the other baby at 6w5d when we'd never even gotten to see it on ultrasound, and this one we had with us twice as long and had seen 3 times, what kind of devastation would losing this one be? It was scary to contemplate.

We'd been in kind-of a holding pattern since IVF started, spiritually speaking. We prayed a lot, but we didn't know if God was hearing us. We were afraid there were more trials ahead, and we didn't know how we would hold up, that first one was so painful. But as the pregnancy progressed, and the baby kept growing faithfully, we had to face a reality: we could not stay in a spiritual hibernation, just waiting for the baby's birth or for something bad to happen. We spent lots of time praying, talking to one another, and asking God to restore our desire for Him. We knew we were't desiring Him in the way we should, but that's not something you can manufacture. The Holy Spirit must enliven your heart. We invited him in, with tears we plead for new hearts to trust Him and progress again spiritually. And God answered. He really, really did. It was just over a week before Jonathan left, but God did do that. And with us being apart, we are using this time to seek Him indivudually and work on putting Him first in our days, and going to Him first with our needs. I think the timing of the separation was fore-ordained by Him to solidify our reliance on Him.

So, that said, we have had to take down the guards we'd placed all around our hearts and minds. We have had to just open up, thank God for the baby, and pray with faith that come January we'll have a baby in our home. We've had to live with faith too: buying a crib, painting a nursery, buying baby clothes. After we'd lost the first baby, sometimes those things we'd done or said in expectation just cut deeper into the hurt, and so you're left really afraid to do anything you'll have to un-do later. But eventually, it's a part of the progression of hope and expectation and faith. So, we are moving forward. It still takes my breath away at times when I think of the future, when I have a fear come into my heart. But, little by little I pray to overcome those and just live with faith.

Those are just some of the myriad of thoughts and experiences we've had throughout this pregnancy. We still have quite a few weeks/months ahead of us, but for now we rejoice and praise God again and again for what He has done, and what He is doing, and we pray for the child's heath and life to be sustained all the way to birth.

A Milestone Reached

Today was a milestone. I completed a day in this pregnancy when my last one ended. The last baby I lost 6w4d in the evening. Today I'm 6w5d and feeling good. The intense pains I've had over the last 2 weeks have generally subsided (determined by ultrasound to be caused by enlarged ovaries and lots of cysts and fluid from IVF). I have never had a single cramp (Praise God!), although the pains had me fearing a tubal ectopic (since IVF increases your chances of that to 3-5%).

Anyway, it's been so hard enjoying anything about this pregnancy as I have so worried about losing this one too. I kept thinking if I got to certain milestones, I'd stop fearing. Apparently fear is always there. It's a daily battle. Hourly at times. But I keep fighting. Praying. Asking for help.

I'm overwhelmed by all your love (not surprised, just overwhelmed). I appreciate ANY of the continued prayers - we feel so in need of them for this to keep progressing and this baby to grow. Literally. Thank you so much.

One more day until the 7 week ultrasound, where I can get the heartbeat measured, and we can determine growth accomplished since last week. Praying so hard it's good news.

Something Pondering...

A little mathematics here......

This (Prenatal Vitamins; times 1001 pills)

Plus this (33 months trying)

Plus this (Hysterosalpingogram; times 3)


Plus this (blood draws, not vials; times 30. I've had WAY more vials. 60 maybe?)

Plus this (all my IVF#2 drugs, IVF#1 had just as many, so just imagine this times 2, plus more from other medicated cycles)

Plus this (Daily Shots (3 per day); times 44 for IVF#2, times 82 all total)

Plus this (ultrasounds - those are follicles/eggs on screen; times 24)


Plus this (my beloved IVF Clinic; ~38 appointments)

Plus this (J & me in San Antonio, celebrating 4 yrs of marriage!)

Plus this (two 7-cell, Grade B embryos, transferred 5/3)

Plus this (Progesterone-in-Oil IntraMuscular shot, nightly, times 62 so far)

Plus this.... (Figure it out for yourself; times ~72, albeit 90% of those stark-white)

Plus more prayer, fasting, weeping, seeking Biblical wisdom and counsel, heart searching, and fervor than anyone not in our situation can know......

Equal this.....

a 6 week old Wilson with a beating heart..... Of course I'm crying. And praying it stays growing healthy....... please, oh please....

News

I know I've been terrible at this blogging thing. I've been told more than once. I really appreciate all you kind friends who come here to read how life is. I enjoy all your blogs so much, and so I should put more time into keeping mine up to date. Honestly, in the last 5 months with our lives going in such a drastically different direction than we ever could have foreseen, it's been hard to keep this up. Life is not all gloriously simple and easy and happy. Even though Jonathan and I have one of the most fabulous marriages ever, and we have such wonderful family members and friends and church, and both of our jobs have been such undeserved gifts to us, there has definitely been a cloud of confusion overshadowing our lives. Maybe it doesn't even daily come into our conversation, but it has been present in the background. When we don't even have understanding about a lot, it's hard to want to share on a blog like this. Things can be misunderstood too easily. I can communicate very badly at times, not giving the full picture, since my writing can be emotionally triggered. Anyway, I haven't felt like coming to this blog and spilling my heart, so I've stayed away. Because it also feels disingenuous to just post about all the lovely happy things going on, while tiptoeing around or ignoring the other stuff. I don't know that I'll get better at posting in the future yet, but I'll try to make efforts. And I just ask my dear friends and readers to bear with me.

So.... lots of news. The most exciting actually came on January 18th! My brother Stuart proposed in such a romantic way to his sweetheart of two years and asked her to marry him!!! Haley of course said YES!!! The wedding is set for July 19th and we could not be happier to finally have a sister-in-law coming into our family. Stuart is head-over-heels and they are extremely cute and loving together. Just thinking of gaining another girl in the family makes me giddy. It's exciting to have a great relationship with her, and with both of them as a couple, knowing down the road it will blossom as they enter marriage and we have even more to share in common. We are thrilled!!! This will the the first Graydon boy married, and the first marriage in 4 years (I was the last one in '04; Karen in '03, 9 months apart, poor Dad)! Here is the happy couple.

Right now, I have been visiting my wonderful friend Susi right outside of Seattle! I used some airline points and flew free over here a week and a half ago. Her husband is deployed right now, has been gone since last April, folks! And her with a 15 month old daughter. This is strength! Even with the love of our lives gone, we were such good friends years ago, and have really reconnected in an amazingly deep way for me. I rarely have friends in my life who I feel so much in common with in life-style, ideas about Christianity, teaching on submission/relationship to our husbands, love/closeness to family members, and appreciation for the finer things in life (i.e. music, chocolate, coffee, cheese, etc). (Understand, though, not necessarily more expensive, though, we are deal-shoppers!). Susi and her sweet-natured, obedient daughter Violet have been taking me to all sorts of delights the area offers. I do not have my cable to download pictures, so all those lovely details will have to wait! But for a teaser, visit Susi's entry complete with some pictures!

I had some trouble with the HSG done in Georgia (that hospital is a joke), so I had it re-done while I was out here (this base here actually is one of the 5-6 IVF programs in the US, incidentally, so they are fully equipt to perform it correctly). Went fine, and I applaud myself for continually learning the military system and how to get what you need when you can. It took a few hours to even get it ordered, but it worked. My IVF #2 is set for beginning April 16th. I will be gone until the beginning of May, and may or may not post while I'm there. All depends on how I'm feeling. I will again stay with my best friend there, which I am looking forward to. We've still got some things to be straightened out with leave, a couple more perscriptions I have to pick up in GA, etc. So here's to hoping it works out as smoothly as it can.

And for final big news, my youngest sister Mary turns 21 next Saturday! I can't believe that my "little" sister is already such an adult. I am SOSOSOSO grateful I'll get to be in NC for that and for my brother Carter's 19th bday a few days later! I'm planning a nice little "drinks and dessert" party for Mary with just the family, and hope I can make it sweet/special for her. It's hard planning something when it's not your home, but I'm sure I can make it work. :)

Jonathan has completed over half of his deployment. There's a new post up at his site. We miss each other more than words could say. But we are making it, slowly but surely. That reunion is going to be something else, lemme tell you!