How Life Is

So, Jonathan has now been gone about 5 days, plus a few more hours. It can be frustrating and wonderful thinking of the time that's passed. Sometimes I can have a positive outlook, thinking that 5 days is 1/14th of our time. And others I can get discouraged because it's not even been a week. Yet one week will be 1/10th of the way.... So, I just have to pray every morning for perspective and strength, for both Jonathan and me. True to form, sometimes we have different emotional trigger-points. For example, nighttime is my hard time. I am alone, done with work, and just hating being alone in the dark. Yet in the morning I get fresh perspective with a quiet time, I feel like there's one less day in the countdown, I get to make myself some yummy coffee, and I get to look forward to calls/emails/webcam with Jonathan that day. He is opposite. At night he feels he has completed one more day of deployment, he is one day closer to it being over, and he gets to spend some easy hours sleeping. Morning he has a whole work-load in front of him of some long days and he feels far from the goal of 70ish days. So we can help one another and pray when the other is weakest and we are strongest. Even at this distance we can help each other bear this load.

We had such a precious thing happen with Baby Girl before he was deployed. When I first started feelings flutters I could identify in the 15 week mark, I told Jonathan. He then replied, "I can't wait to feel them myself before I deploy." I basically let him know this was near to impossible, as at the time they were so tiny and almost unfeelable, and only by me because they were hitting organs and parts inside. We never said another word about it. Then the morning he was to leave, we were lieing down on the couch and I had my shirt up to show my belly. We were just laying together and talking, when I felt a sharp kick in my left upper-belly. I realized it as a swift kick. I pointed it out to him and Baby Girl gave two sharp visible kicks right after. It was truly amazing. It was as if she were just saying her little good-bye to her Daddy. I couldn't belive it. I have not seen a kick since then, though I have felt them at times, so that stands out as something really special for him.

We have been really surprised and our spirits so lifted at our ability to webcam where he is!!! Last time internet there was really restircted and difficult to obtain for long at all. Now? There are a few different public areas with wi-fi, so we have been able to webcam every day he's not been flying. We even got 2 hours one day, plus our daily emails!!! So that is a kindness of the Lord we never thought really possible. It has lifted our spirits more than words could express by having face-to-face unhurried conversations. Last time, we just got 15 minute calls every other day or so, and believe me, when you try to put 2 days worth of our lives into 15 minutes, you just end up putting on a brave face and keeping it rather surface because you just want to keep your spirits up. We ended up with much deeper communication though email, which was fine, but we missed that real-time conversation. What a blessing skype has been!

As we speak, I am in Tennessee, 4 hours from my house, staying in my sister Crystal's apartment/dorm here at Lee University. It's an easy drive for me, and I wanted to visit her (I did that last time too). It's been SO good being with a family member, and she always makes me feel welcome. I was going to leave today (Sunday), but she really wanted me another day, and there's no reason I can't work here while she goes to school tomorrow, if just to give us more time together.

So for now I'll close this out with a cute picture I took at 18 weeks. I haven't gotten a 19 week belly shot in, but Baby Girl has had a growth spurt, or just really moved to the front of my belly now. Days ago I could lie down and my stomach was flat so you couldn't tell I was pregnant. All of a sudden she moved and there's no losing the belly now. :)

My Sweet Husband is Gone....

I haven't much emotional energy left to post much... Except to say that my precious Jonathan is gone, gone, gone. We parted today at 2:30 after having probably the most excrutiating 24 hour countdown to that. We both think somehow this deployment is so much worse in how we handled the actual leaving process. It feels SO much harder. Not even sure why, only perhaps now we know what we've got ahead of us whereas back in January we did not. The Lord was present when we cried out, His words in the Psalms ministered like no other to us, but we are so broken at being separated. When you think of us, please pray, this is so very difficult to go through. We keep reminding ourselves to just take one day at a time.

We had some of the most precious moments leading up to this separation. I can't even being to describe them, as they defy even words to adequately express them. And we know this is so hard only because we have found in each other the very depths of Love and Oneness that many others only dream about. The heights of joy go hand in hand with the depths of pain at times.

So for my benefit, here are a few of our precious last times together. Here is also my 18 week belly shot. I'll include a head shot at 19 weeks. I look a lot bigger with maternity-type clothes on than the shot I took below.

Picnic last week....

The last dinner out

Before we leave the house - all too reminiscient of January...

18 wk belly

Baby Girl!

That's right.... today at 18w2d, we found out we will (Lord willing) be welcoming a beautiful little girl into our lives in January. A girl!!! We are so happy, so grateful, so amazed. I feel like it's something of a dream - can this all be a reality someday? It was so beautiful to see her on screen, moving about, cooperating perfectly. We got this in just 4 days before Jonathan departs, and picked up a crib we'd found for a great deal the other day on the way home that we've now put together - our first baby purchase!

I am all done with morning sickness, and the nausea just comes and goes every now and then. I can eat whatever I want that I did not develop an aversion to. At my 16 week appointment they told me my hemoglobin had gotten worse (from a 10.4 at 11 weeks to 9.3 at 16 weeks). They told me to really try hard to research and eat iron rich foods (I'd been on an iron Rx since 11 weeks). I hadn't felt any symptoms of anemia, but then 3 days ago it just hit. Rollnig over on the couch at night seemed like too much effort. Unfortunately, decreased appetite is a side-effect of anemia, so it doesn't help when you Really need to eat and just don't have any interest. But Jonathan and I researched it out, and went to the store and he spared no expense putting things into the cart that were iron rich. Lots of red meat, lots of dark green leafy veggies, lots of o.j. and citrus to help the iron absorbtion, and lots of cereal fortified with 100% RDA of iron. While I haven't felt the affects yet, in just 10 days my iron now is at a 10.2! So I've got to keep it up, along with the liquid chlorophyll I've been drinking. I was ready to ask for the injectable iron the doctor spoke of, but it looks like I might not need it (yet). Anything to stay healthy!

I have steadily gained 2lb every 4 weeks since my initial 7wk appointment, which puts me at a 6 lb weight gain so far. I am showing, but just not a lot (picture in next post, promise!). When I mention I'm expecting, everyone looks so shocked at how "far" I am (to them). It's all new to me, but I feel healthy so I feel good! For now, I'm going to just post pictures of little girl!

D-Day is Coming (Too) Soon...

Yep. We are down to about 2 weeks or less until Jonathan must deploy to the Middle East again. *sighs heavily* I am so dreading his being gone again. I look around the house when he's at work right now, and I just imagine not being able to look forward to his returning at night. I don't have to imagine, I just have to remember. It seems sad he just returned a little over 4 months ago. And yet, I have to be grateful for the reason he's leaving. He was originally set for leaving in December and returning in March. And now because we are looking forward to Lord-willing hopefully welcoming a child into our lives January 21st, we have had to switch his deployment. While I hate him going earlier, I have to give thanks for the reason. Grateful beyond words, and my heart overflows with thankfulness for the cause.

I do not have any really fun trips flying out to anywhere while he's gone. No Seattle. :( But I will visit my family for 3-4 weeks in September/October. My sister-in-law is getting married October 11th and I get the honor and priviledge of making her cake (we hope that date works, her fiancee is in Army basic training and we're all praying for time off to get married - Susi, remember how fun that was to plan around?)!!! So I'll need plenty of prep time at my parents' to get the cake pans, rent the stand, buy boxes and decorating tips and clear vanilla and all that extra fun stuff. An autumn wedding should be lovely!

I do get the pleasure of working on the nursey while Jonathan is gone. Jonathan's brothers were here for a weekend (fishing and beach time at Savannah!) and they helped him move my office stuff into the 2nd guest bedroom/hunting room. The old-office is the smallest room in our home (though plenty big), it's the closest to our bedroom, and located exactly where I want the nursery to be. Now the office is in the room with the bunk beds and Jonathan's hunting stuff. Our two guest rooms are in a separate nook of the house with a bathroom over there too, so when guests stay they really have complete privacy. Making the nursery on that side of the house just didn't make sense. We shall see how it works. We have decided on a Beatrix Potter-Peter Rabbit color-themed room for the baby if it's a boy. I really don't like themes, but the colors on the wall would be blue and some yellow, and then there would be a few pictures or figurines, but the bedding and curtains would not be themed, just complimentary colors. If it's a girl, I want pink and brown colors and a brocade bedding/accessories (Jonathan doesn't love it, but doesn't mind, I let him pick the shades of pink/brown). We'll see.

The doctors said they'd be happy to do the anatomy scan on August 22nd, right before Jonathan deploys. I'll be 18weeks 2days. They said they'd do it again at 20 weeks if they can't get the anatomy measurements done if it's a bit too early, but they're giving us a chance for Jonathan to be there if the gender can be determined. I'm so grateful for the chance!

We just got back from 9 gloriously relaxing and fun days in Florida in a cabin right on the beach (a private one too practically). We went fishing on a boat one day and that was great fun (I didn't get sick, yay). We spent probably 8 hours ON the beach every day. We cooked a lot together, ate out a few times, and Jonathan surprised me with breakfast in bed one morning! We were so unhurried and blissful, it was really perfect for our purposes. *sighs dreamily*

Lots more to say, but I need to keep this short and sweet. More later....

My brother's wedding was absolutely wonderful. It was the latest wedding we've had yet (6:30pm) and true to Graydon tradition, set in the beautiful outdoors. It was the shortest wedding, very traditional (whereas Karen and mine both were more non-traditional). It was gorgeous. The reception seemed over all to quickly, but a large part of that was the vast amounts of people I had not seen in years (some not since my wedding) all running into me and us catching up. It was really wonderful, yet I would have liked to savor it more. Still - a great time. My pictures aren't as good as the ones Mary got, because my good camera is being sent off to be fixed (flash doesn't work). So those later. :)

Jonathan and I are down to a little over 3 weeks until he deploys (won't get an exact date until right before, just a "window" of time). Hence, our pre-deloyment trip will be starting Saturday for the next 8 days.... to Florida! We've got a lovely beach cabin rented, right on the beach, supposedly on a secluded part of it. Looks terrific, I can't wait. But the whole thing is bittersweet, since the entire purpose is to be together before the 70 day separation again. Makes it hard to really look forward to as it rather signals the Beginning of the End. But we will love it! We lived off of those precious memories we made last time in the mountains.

Little baby will be 15 weeks tomorrow! What a treasure to us. We are so attached to this child already, love it and want to protect it. We praise God for every day of this little one's life. I am grateful all indications are it's growing strong and healthy inside me. It makes all the huge uncomfortableness of pregnancy worth it. The sickness has been better (I'm up to one week without hurling, and I made it home in the airplane without throwing up too). I have even made dinner and packed a lunch for Jonathan the past few days (it was really hard for me not to be "taking care of him" in ways I always have). He has been amazing, though, not minding coming home and my telling him I couldn't cook. One particular morning around 13 weeks I was lieing on the bed after a shower, and felt so bad, and the smell of the shampoo in my wet hair was gagging me. So since I couldn't, he blew my hair dry for me, brushing it out over the side of the bed. He is a rare find. But I am never surprised by his kind, caring, never complaining attitude, he's always been that way: I'm just so grateful for it.

I go in at 16 weeks, and should again at 20 for the big anatomy scan, to check that everything is developing properly with baby's organs and nothing looks amiss. That's when they usually check out the gender too. However, Jonathan will be gone by that time, so my request is to get it a little early so we can perhaps find out the gender together. Baby could thwart us of course. But I'd rather not experience a milestone like that without him. We shall see how that turns out.

News & 13wks!

All's rather quite here in the Wilson household. I'm in my 2nd trimester (Praise God!!!). I never saw myself getting this far, either. I am so humbled to have this child growing and living inside me. It's hard to grasp the reality of. We had our 13 wk appt & NT test today, which was utterly amazing to watch the baby move, hiccup, suck it's thumb, and see that beautiful heartbeat flashing away. Even though I listen to it on the Doppler, it never loses its beauty to me. I think today's ultrasound was a reality check for us, as we saw something that really resembled a baby on screen and had to acknowledge that it was ours and inside me. It was very touching. (Pictures at the end.)

The 4th of July weekend was awesome! My family was still in Vermont so we spent the entire time in NC with Jonathan's family. We are so grateful that our families live about 12 minutes from each other - but it does make holidays rather busy since we choose to split all of them between both families (with the exception of Thanksgiving). It turned out to be really nice that we were just in one place the whole weekend. We did go over to my parents to see Seth & Karen & their girls for a cookout and swimming one evening. The flight (in the 4-seater rented aircraft) did not go over well with my morning sickness, but I survived (how come airsick bags are always missing when you need them?). However, we landed in Charlotte to pick up Jonathan's brother, and since he was still working and we had 1-2 hours to kill, we headed over to my favoritest restaurant - Quaker Steak and Lube! I pigged out on Louisana Lickers & Arizona Ranch wings, so apparently my stomach recovered nicely. J kept saying, "I don't want to see this later." :) He also purchased me my very first maternity clothing - a very touching moment for us to have. (Sorry we didn't call you CLT friends to meet up, we didn't know if we had 30 minutes or 2 hours!)

Not having to go so many places also allowed us to go visit both my grandfather and my grandmother in their respective nursing/assisted living homes. I had not seen them in a few months and was really missing them. Each visit is really, very difficult emotionally, because they change/decline a lot between each visit. My grandfather has Altzheimer's, which regresses with time. Since my last visit my gradmother has had a feeding tube put in and all her teeth removed. They were also separated, as she needed nursing home care and he did not (and insurance only allows you to be treated at a place appropriate to what you need). It was a lot to take in. Jonathan had to remind me over and over as I wept for the memories of who they "used" to be, that this life here on earth is just a shadow, that it's just a little dot in time. Their spirits are made for an eternity in heaven and that's where the only lasting true joy is! That I will meet them again where there is no age and suffering and illness, and we'll worship God together and bow to our Savior. It's hard when you've had such wonderful memories and times here on earth to not selfishly weep for "what was". It's hard to always keep true perspective. Jonathan is so good at reminding me.

And now, on Friday, we head back to NC again. My brother Stuart is finally tieing the knot!!! I am super, incredibly excited for him! This is looking to be a wonderful wedding, and I'm so grateful to see my brother marry a girl we all love so much and who loves him & loves Christ. My father is the best man, my 2 other brothers are groomsmen, and my brother-in-law is a groomsmen. You can tell we're a really tight-knit family, because none of these choices are out of obligation, it's a personal decision. :) They're headed to Prince Edward Island for a 10 day honeymoon, which sounds fabulous!

Se without further adieu, here's our little 13-week-old baby. I'll have lots of updates and pictures after this weekend!!!

So, onto the Vermont pictures! I arrived on Friday. Stuart had already been there a week, and was leaving Sunday morning. So my trip coincided perfectly with seeing him for a few days (Dad's brilliance in ensuring). That's why he's only in the first two pics. :)

This was my first night there. Dad decided to have a real Vermont cheese tasting. All (cheddar) cheeses are white there, btw. They are serious about their cheese, even the most basic grovery stores carry about 20 different kinds. We were trying 8 different ones, by 2 different makers (Cabot and Crawley's). Their names ranged from Hunter's to Medium Sharp to Seriously Sharp. Each one had a paper next to it for our comments. We each tried various ones, then Stuart read aloud all the comments, and then we voted on the "best of the best." Incredibly enough, 7 out of 10 voted on the same kind! It was the strongest tasting cheddar. You know our father has had a huge influence on us (his opinion is there is never a sharp enough cheddar!). Many of the comments would be, "Disappointingly sharp" "Not distinguishably sharp enough" "Missing the sharp bite its name promises" and so on. It's hilarous. Even Fred agreed, and as he's not family yet, I'd say that's promising. Oh, and for the record, Carter obstained all-together because he "doesn't like cheese." Horrendous!

Stuart's last day there we went to Grafton to eat. This was an old barn/warehouse type place that's been made into a place for large gatherings. We've ambled here in the past and adore it. Dad wants to build one like this for our always-explanding never-under-30-people family gatherings. Seriously, even the most modest Sunday lunches can't stay small with us! It's (laughably) insane at times!

This was our Father's Day picnic! We've done this in the past too. We get near the falls, spread out blankets, and serve up sandwiches, fruit, chips, olives, and (of course) cheese and crackers. Dad loves sitting/laying down and listening to the peaceful sound of the waterfalls. We wade around too, but it was rather chilly.

This was Father's Day evening. Seth & Karen (from a distance) treated everyone to Ben & Jerry's ice cream (Dad loves that). And I, being the odd ball in the family who doesn't like ice cream, obstained. Dad looooved it!

Ok, 9 of us packed into the Sequioa for a 3 hour trip to Boston. Did you get that? 9 adults! The Sequioa advertises "seats 8 comfortably." That's not true, if the 8 are adults. But there aren't even 9 seatbelts! Sometimes the girls buckeled together, sometimes Fred&Mary. It was pretty fun, even so! And this is a picture of what 9 people packing for 3 days in Boston looks like. I am so doggone proud of our packing skills! (Laptops were mandatory as Dad & I had a 1-day business trip to Chicago.)

Noah, Carter, and Dad in the resting in the cemetary in Boston along the Freedom Trail.

This was us "kids" in the elevator of the hotel one evening we ate out in Faneuil Hall together. The hotel had lemon & lime water dispensers near the elevators & we were nuts over them! We'd come inside and rush to the water. It was pretty hilarious. And we were loud. So I got a picture of us in our mirth! Except my flash wouldn't work so it's a bit dark/blurry! I really have the best of times with my awesome siblings!

This was a snack bar about 3 miles from our cabin. Everyone except Suz, Mom and me jogged the 3 miles for lunch. We took the easy route. It turned out to be awesome food and great service (1 guy cooking it all!).

Suzanne and me after lunch that day!

Mary and Fred walked down Commerce street for me an unknown distance because I knew there was a Bruegger's Bagels "somewhere" down it. They were really patient and trusted me - and thanks to Jonathan's Iphone, he got us there without any wrong turns! So I treated them, the least I could do. I couldn't stomach Starbucks (haven't in weeks), but hey I wanted the picture.

And this is a lovely one of Mom and Dad at the waterfall. They're so cute toegher and I love them SO much! Their generosity made this ALL possible!

10 weeks, 5 days

I actually did not want to post this yet. I much prefer posting right after I've had an appointment and I know all is well inside. I have one Wednesday, as I turn the 11 week mark. I will post again then. But I figured I'd been silent almost a month, and at the very least I should let you guys know we're alive and well.

I continue to be amazed and humbled and sooooooo grateful that I am still pregnant! Never since the last miscarriage did I really, really, really think I could carry a baby without some sort of problem. I know, I don't have solid logic to cause this concern, but it just was a deep rooted fear. I am thankful every single day this baby is alive. And we are so grateful. Somehow even with my fears, I have held off asking for an earlier scan at the dr, but I'll be SO glad for Wenesday to be here.

I have been sick, a lot (week 10 has been the worst!). Sometimes whole days, sometimes only hours. The last 3 days, Jonathan has fixed us breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's so hard on my pride and self-sufficiency having him do what's suppose to be "my" duty. And yet he serves with gentleness and concern and love. He acts like it's nothing! And honestly, when I eat often, I get sick less frequently. I've even had the energy to clean some the past few days. Today he's back at work, so I'm back to taking care of myself for breakfast and lunch. But I'm grateful to know he'll be here to help for dinner. Since I depsise the smell of cooking food, he's been pretty amazing on the grill and thinking of things that don't create smells inside (baked potatoes always work!). I don't have cravings but I have tons of aversions. For example: I hate chicken and seafood right now.

We actually had to spend 14 days apart these last 2 weeks. Jonathan had a training exercise that was joint Air Force-Navy in Nevada. When my dad heard I would be alone, he SO generously offered to buy me a ticket to visit them up in Vermont (the family was vacationing there for the month of June). So that's where I headed to! He flew me out of a local airport, a mere 20 minutes from the house rather than the 2 hour trip to the Atlanta airport. Although the flying was horrible on my sickness and energy level (people should not be allowed to wear cologne/perdume at 6am), being in Vermont was so much fun! I loved hanging out with my family, going to our old favorite spots, having my mother cook all sorts of delicious and nutritious meals, and just plain relaxing with them. I missed Jonathan terribly(we all did, as he & I had joined them last time in Vermont in '05). Somehow we survived with lots of phone calls, emails, webcams, and texts. Next time, we agree I'm going with him (you can't know ahead of time what's do-able/allowed/feasable).

Anyway, I'll close with some pictures of Vermont (actually, I don't have time today, but I'll upload them Wednesday!) Back to work.

7 week Ultrasound

Well... we went in Wednesday for the 7 week appointment. I was scared the baby might not be alive. Afterall, I'd had two cramps the evening before, and cramps send me into panic mode.

Ah, but no.... I caught the little "flashing" on the screen. Baby measuring 7weeks 0days (exactly what it should be). Heart rate 140. Wow. Could we be this fortunate?

After the ultrasound I had to have the regular OB first timers visit. It was weird! Most of the conversation with the midwife was about the nuchal fold test & triple screen, delivery options, forming a birth plan, and how good I'd feel in the 2nd trimester. I kept sitting there, wanting to interrupt her, telling her it was too early to talk about this. That she should save her time until it's certain I get that far. I know, that's terrible. But I do not take even one day of this baby's life for granted that it'll go on. The conversation was just so unexpected. Even Jonathan agreed to how weird it was. We assumed with pregnancy #1 = baby. This time, no such assumptions. Every day a blessing, a milestone, an accomplishment, a relief.

I have to wait 4 weeks to go in again. Booooooooooo. Then they'll try to hear the heartbeat with the doppler. If they don't get it, we'll do an ultrasound. She did tell me if I started to get too worried/paniced, they'd gladly have me come in earlier to do an ultrasound. It's reassuring I have her blessing on that, because I honestly can't see waiting a month and not going crazy.

And lastly.... just a little remembrance. Without any difference than any other day, June 3rd came and went. Our first baby's due date. That thought is sad, but being pregnant right now at least gives me a new perspective and some hope for anothe child. I try to focus on the possibilities ahead of me, while remembering what we've been through to get here. I miss that child not being in our life right now, but I am grateful to have renewed hope beating away inside me. I'm grateful God has given us Life for now. So very very grateful.

A Milestone Reached

Today was a milestone. I completed a day in this pregnancy when my last one ended. The last baby I lost 6w4d in the evening. Today I'm 6w5d and feeling good. The intense pains I've had over the last 2 weeks have generally subsided (determined by ultrasound to be caused by enlarged ovaries and lots of cysts and fluid from IVF). I have never had a single cramp (Praise God!), although the pains had me fearing a tubal ectopic (since IVF increases your chances of that to 3-5%).

Anyway, it's been so hard enjoying anything about this pregnancy as I have so worried about losing this one too. I kept thinking if I got to certain milestones, I'd stop fearing. Apparently fear is always there. It's a daily battle. Hourly at times. But I keep fighting. Praying. Asking for help.

I'm overwhelmed by all your love (not surprised, just overwhelmed). I appreciate ANY of the continued prayers - we feel so in need of them for this to keep progressing and this baby to grow. Literally. Thank you so much.

One more day until the 7 week ultrasound, where I can get the heartbeat measured, and we can determine growth accomplished since last week. Praying so hard it's good news.

Something Pondering...

A little mathematics here......

This (Prenatal Vitamins; times 1001 pills)

Plus this (33 months trying)

Plus this (Hysterosalpingogram; times 3)


Plus this (blood draws, not vials; times 30. I've had WAY more vials. 60 maybe?)

Plus this (all my IVF#2 drugs, IVF#1 had just as many, so just imagine this times 2, plus more from other medicated cycles)

Plus this (Daily Shots (3 per day); times 44 for IVF#2, times 82 all total)

Plus this (ultrasounds - those are follicles/eggs on screen; times 24)


Plus this (my beloved IVF Clinic; ~38 appointments)

Plus this (J & me in San Antonio, celebrating 4 yrs of marriage!)

Plus this (two 7-cell, Grade B embryos, transferred 5/3)

Plus this (Progesterone-in-Oil IntraMuscular shot, nightly, times 62 so far)

Plus this.... (Figure it out for yourself; times ~72, albeit 90% of those stark-white)

Plus more prayer, fasting, weeping, seeking Biblical wisdom and counsel, heart searching, and fervor than anyone not in our situation can know......

Equal this.....

a 6 week old Wilson with a beating heart..... Of course I'm crying. And praying it stays growing healthy....... please, oh please....

Our Marriage :)

After my last entry, Lindsay had mentioned she would like to hear more about how Jonathan and I have cultivated such a wonderful marriage. I have thought about it often, but seeing as it actually takes a while to write it, I haven't gotten to it until now. I'm going to dive right in.

Jonathan and I actually fell in love in July 2001, but my father asked us to spend time apart (what turned out to be 15 months) seeking God and pursuing other areas of growth in our lives. We saw one another maybe 4 times, but communicated little. That time apart was integral in us truly discerning the basis of our love. Was it Attraction? Infatuation? Fun? Enjoyment of the friendship? Through that time we learned it was God's Will we be together - he had joined us. And so we were able to withstand anything we'd come against, because there was a solid foundation of knowing this realtionship was not begun by us.

Once we started spending time together again, we talked extensively about how we would always remain "in love" - with him being away at college, with the military life that loomed ahead, with seeing so many other couples either fighting all the time, or satisfied with separate lives in their marriages. How could we keep this magical inloveness we had at this early stage when the pain and pressure of life assailed us too, somewhere in the future?

And here is where we gained wisdom vividly alive in written word. "A Severe Mercy" was Sheldon Vanauken's somewhat spiritual autobiography (although it encompassed entirely more). His relationship with his wife - before they even knew Christ - was probably the closest I'd ever heard of. They had this same desire and plan - to keep inloveness - forever. They carefully and thoughtfully talked about how they would accomlish this. So we gleaned from them. I include excerts below that we hung onto. We read this book together in our early months. Some may disagree with the statements below. They were founded by pagans, after all. But for us, they resounded with a deep truth and understanding of what we wanted our union to look like. It's not something we talk about to others ever - it's just our core beliefs. It is of course in addition to everything we know Biblically, in which I belive my audience and I are probably taught the same. We have Bibilcal principles for our marriage. Yet one can have a very solid Biblical marriage, and not have the emotional/actual closeness we were seeking/desiring. What I convey below is how we achieve the amazing closeness and inloveness and true best friendship we want with one another.
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What emerged from out talk was nothing less, we believed, than the certral ‘secret’ of enduring love: sharing.

‘What is it that draws two people into closeness and love? Of course there’s the mystery of physical attraction, but beyond that it’s the things they share. We both love strawberries and ships and collies and poems and all beauty, and all those things bind us together. Those sharings just happened to be; but what we must do now is share everything. Everything! If one of us likes anything, there must be something to like in it – and the other one must find it. Every single thing either of us likes. That way we shall create a thousand strands, great and small, that will link us together. Then we shall be so close that it would be impossible – unthinkable – for either of us to suppose that we could ever recreate such closeness with anyone else. And our trust in each other will not only be based on love and loyalty but on the fact of a thousand sharings – a thousand strands twisted into something unbreakable.’

Total sharing, we felt, was the ultimate secret of a love that would last for ever. And of course we could learn to like anything if we wanted to. Through sharing we would not only make a bond of incredible friendship, but through sharing we would keep the magic of inloveness. And with every year, more depth. We would become as close as two human beings could become – closer perhaps than any two people had ever been. Whatever storms might come, whatever changes the years might bring, there would be the bedrock closeness of all our sharing. So we saw our way, horizon beyond horizon, ahead. And so it was to be. Later we looked back upon that day when sharing was born as the day when, we began to raise the Shining Barrier.

The Shining Barrier – the shield of our love. A walled garden. A fence around a young tree to keep the deer from nibbling it. A fortified place with the walls and watchtowers gleaming white like the cliffs of England. The Shining Barrier – protecting the green tree of our love. And yet in another sense, it was our love itself, made strong within, that was the Shining Barrier.

But why does love need to be guarded? We looked about us and saw the world as having become a hostile and threatening place where standards of decency and courtesy were perishing and war loomed gigantic. A world where love did not endure. The smile of inloveness seemed to promise for ever, but friends who had been in love last year were parting this year. The divorce rate was in the news. Were there any older people in love? It must be that, whatever its promise, love does not by itself endure. But why? What was the failure behind the failure of love?

We thought we saw the answer. The killer of love is creeping separateness. Inloveness is a gift of the gods, but then it is up to the lovers to cherish or to ruin. Taking love for granted, especially after marriage. Ceasing to do things together. Finding separate interests. ‘We’ turning into ‘I.’ Self. Self-regard: what I want to do. Actual selfishness only a hop away. This was the way of creeping separateness. And in the modern world, especially in the cities, everything favored it. The failure of love might seem to be caused by hate or boredom or unfaithfulness with a lover; but those were results. First came the creeping separateness: the failure behind the failure.

We raised the Shining Barrier against creeping separateness, which was, in the last analysis, self. We also raised it against a world of indecencies and decaying standards, the decline of courtesy, the whispering mockers of love. We would have our own standards. And, above all, we would be us-centered, not self-centered. Against creeping separateness we would oppose the great principle of sharing. We saw self as the ultimate danger to love. Still, we turned away from it, turned away because we loved our love. And we were determined that it should endure.

We sought closeness through sharing in order to keep inloveness; but such closeness was simply true union. We saw the process of achieving union as like two stones becoming one by grinding together, the hard bits of one wearing away soft bits of the other, until as last the fit is perfect: one stone.
-----

Jonathan and I naturally had many common sharings. We both loved the outdoors and adventures and family-life (doing things with our siblings/parents) and cooking and gardening. I had never been hunting. He had hardly ever cooked gourmet food or ventured to a gourmet restaurant. He loved primative camping. His idea of a beach vacation meant lots of fishing. I loved classical music concerts. And yet, we began to share those experiences together. We didn't find separate friends to do these activities with, we did not each do our own thing. We shared those experiences. Even when something might not obviously appeal to one of us, we love each other more and would rather be together than apart, even if the activity we're engaging in isn't naturally exciting to us. And we have truly become the best partners in each of our endeavors. We are inseprable. When we experience things separately, we cannot wait to share all kinds of intricate details to the other, where they can feel as close to experiencing it while having been absent. We just are. We have the kind of oneness we live and breathe for.

Maybe this has answered the initial musings, I hope it's been enjoyable to read a little more about us. I hope it doesn't come off as smug or proud - these are simply facts, decisions we've made for us. Thank you for your patience!

News

I know I've been terrible at this blogging thing. I've been told more than once. I really appreciate all you kind friends who come here to read how life is. I enjoy all your blogs so much, and so I should put more time into keeping mine up to date. Honestly, in the last 5 months with our lives going in such a drastically different direction than we ever could have foreseen, it's been hard to keep this up. Life is not all gloriously simple and easy and happy. Even though Jonathan and I have one of the most fabulous marriages ever, and we have such wonderful family members and friends and church, and both of our jobs have been such undeserved gifts to us, there has definitely been a cloud of confusion overshadowing our lives. Maybe it doesn't even daily come into our conversation, but it has been present in the background. When we don't even have understanding about a lot, it's hard to want to share on a blog like this. Things can be misunderstood too easily. I can communicate very badly at times, not giving the full picture, since my writing can be emotionally triggered. Anyway, I haven't felt like coming to this blog and spilling my heart, so I've stayed away. Because it also feels disingenuous to just post about all the lovely happy things going on, while tiptoeing around or ignoring the other stuff. I don't know that I'll get better at posting in the future yet, but I'll try to make efforts. And I just ask my dear friends and readers to bear with me.

So.... lots of news. The most exciting actually came on January 18th! My brother Stuart proposed in such a romantic way to his sweetheart of two years and asked her to marry him!!! Haley of course said YES!!! The wedding is set for July 19th and we could not be happier to finally have a sister-in-law coming into our family. Stuart is head-over-heels and they are extremely cute and loving together. Just thinking of gaining another girl in the family makes me giddy. It's exciting to have a great relationship with her, and with both of them as a couple, knowing down the road it will blossom as they enter marriage and we have even more to share in common. We are thrilled!!! This will the the first Graydon boy married, and the first marriage in 4 years (I was the last one in '04; Karen in '03, 9 months apart, poor Dad)! Here is the happy couple.

Right now, I have been visiting my wonderful friend Susi right outside of Seattle! I used some airline points and flew free over here a week and a half ago. Her husband is deployed right now, has been gone since last April, folks! And her with a 15 month old daughter. This is strength! Even with the love of our lives gone, we were such good friends years ago, and have really reconnected in an amazingly deep way for me. I rarely have friends in my life who I feel so much in common with in life-style, ideas about Christianity, teaching on submission/relationship to our husbands, love/closeness to family members, and appreciation for the finer things in life (i.e. music, chocolate, coffee, cheese, etc). (Understand, though, not necessarily more expensive, though, we are deal-shoppers!). Susi and her sweet-natured, obedient daughter Violet have been taking me to all sorts of delights the area offers. I do not have my cable to download pictures, so all those lovely details will have to wait! But for a teaser, visit Susi's entry complete with some pictures!

I had some trouble with the HSG done in Georgia (that hospital is a joke), so I had it re-done while I was out here (this base here actually is one of the 5-6 IVF programs in the US, incidentally, so they are fully equipt to perform it correctly). Went fine, and I applaud myself for continually learning the military system and how to get what you need when you can. It took a few hours to even get it ordered, but it worked. My IVF #2 is set for beginning April 16th. I will be gone until the beginning of May, and may or may not post while I'm there. All depends on how I'm feeling. I will again stay with my best friend there, which I am looking forward to. We've still got some things to be straightened out with leave, a couple more perscriptions I have to pick up in GA, etc. So here's to hoping it works out as smoothly as it can.

And for final big news, my youngest sister Mary turns 21 next Saturday! I can't believe that my "little" sister is already such an adult. I am SOSOSOSO grateful I'll get to be in NC for that and for my brother Carter's 19th bday a few days later! I'm planning a nice little "drinks and dessert" party for Mary with just the family, and hope I can make it sweet/special for her. It's hard planning something when it's not your home, but I'm sure I can make it work. :)

Jonathan has completed over half of his deployment. There's a new post up at his site. We miss each other more than words could say. But we are making it, slowly but surely. That reunion is going to be something else, lemme tell you!

J's Space

Here is a shout-out for my fantabulous husband's place online. He wants a way to keep people updated with how he is (in his words, which I think are so much better than mine!). So go visit, leave a comment to say hi, if you're praying tell him so... Obviously, I think he deserves that and SO much more! I can't express how much I miss that man!

www.xanga.com/rustvyper

He's Gone

Yep, my best friend & beloved one is gone now. Left Saturday. Those last 24 hours before he left were really tough on us both. But we made the very most of every day this last week, with wonderful things like buying a live lobster at the grocery to cook at home, enjoying wine & looooong conversations, many long hikes/walks in our woods, and special nights out to dinner/movie. We had a final Starbucks date on Friday and couldn't let go of each other. Such perfect times. We know the reason this separation is so very difficult. It's not because we need each other for practical things (like cooking or finances or fixing the car). It's because we are Soul Mates in the truest sense; we're best friends, lovers, and we share every part of our lives together. We miss the sharing, each other's company, input. As painful as separation is, we can't help but be reminded the only reason it's so hard is because our relationship is sooo good. While the last few months of our lives together have been anything but blissful in terms of outward struggles we can't control, it helps be reminded what gift of a marriage we have!

So for now, it's Day #4 of ~70 days. Here's two pics we got about an hour before he left. I love his DCUs with his new 1LT rank (yes, he was promoted a few weeks ago)!

news

So, the most recent news is that Jonathan will be leaving for the Middle East next week. Our first overseas deployment is here. I wonder what it will be like living alone? I wonder how frequently we'll get to communicate. I wonder if Jonathan will enjoy it. I guess I will find those answers out before I really want to!

In order to get uninterrupted, undistracted, romantic one-on-one time, we have booked a luxurious, cozy, beautiful little cabin up in the Georgia/North Carolina mountains for 4 days. We leave this Friday and I cannot wait! Though it's a signaling of "the beginning of the end" it will be a time to create so many sweet memories with each other.... We are very excited about this little pre-deployment trip, and I know I'll treasure every memory and picture we have of it as I think on and look at them when he's gone.

life

Tuesday was a difficult day for all sorts of reasons... Aside from the three new easily-obtained pregnancy announcements (one that, incidentally, happenes to be one day from my due date, reminding me anew of all we have lost)... Aside from the fact that once again I got the all-too-familiar crushing acknowledgement of another failed attempt at pregnancy... There were things in play this month that gave us hope we've never yet had naturally. Signs, words, convictions you may call them. We wonder if we even know how to hear the Lord anymore, things are that confusing.

Out at dinner last night, I thought we'd talked it over. And yet, as I was in the shower that evening, I dissolved into a heap of heart-wrenching, full-body sobs.... What was happening? What have we done? What in the world is so wrong in our lives that we must be punshined again and again with childlessness while almost weekly someone we know achieves pregnancy their first month trying - sometimes without even praying, it's such a natural assumption they'll conceive? What is displeasing the Lord so much? What is happening to our prayers? Why do we have no answers?

My weeping brought Jonathan rushing in... all the while knowing why I was crying, but wanting to just hold me as we asked the same questions all over again. In the end, you can't keep crying. After the tears comes a sort of resignation that we must just still press on. That one day, things may be different. Just not today.

*Hysterosalpingogram next Thursday. Dye shot up the uterus so floroscopic xray machine may take pictures of uterus & tubes, to ensure proper shape and open tubes. Already done this Aug06; 22 hours of pain. CCCT, again, too. All necessary for IVF #2 to proceed. Never saw myself doing these a 2nd time.*

The Blank Space in Our Family Album

By CATHERINE MACRAE HOCKMUTH, Published: January 6, 2008
Every once in a while I am clunked on the head by one of the many baby books we’ve shoved into the upper corner of our future child’s closet. Given the shortage of space in our 700-square-foot apartment, I probably should have given them away by now.
But when you’ve been trying without success to have a baby for four and a half years, books aren’t the only things you have trouble letting go of.
Among the titles are “The Expectant Father,” “The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy,” “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” “Secrets of the Baby Whisperer” and my personal favorite, “The No-Cry Sleep Solution.” I wonder if it has any “No-Cry” solutions for a grown woman who occasionally can’t hold it together at bedtime because she has no one to put to bed.
Some of my friends post sonogram images of their thumb-sucking fetuses on their refrigerators. It’s their baby’s first photo, the one that is sent by e-mail to everyone with cheerful subject lines like “It’s a girl!”
We have sonogram photos, too, years’ worth, but there are no tiny hands or perfectly shaped noses in ours. The sonogram image that’s furthest along features two promising little marbles that stopped growing at seven weeks, which was three weeks before we knew anything was wrong. The most recent is of a blank, black space with the caption: “Empty Uterus.”
I wonder how people would respond if I were to e-mail that to everyone with the subject line: “It’s an Empty Uterus!” I know — not appropriate. But in the world of failed fertility, you learn that a little gallows humor can help you through a lot of heartache. A companion photo of my ectopic pregnancy looks perfect except for the fact that the embryo is in the wrong place. Another potential e-mail message, subject line: “Embryo in the Wrong Place!”
That pregnancy was last May, after our second round of in vitro fertilization. My husband had taken off work to go to my appointment because there was a chance we would see a heartbeat. We had even talked about going to see “Knocked Up” afterward to celebrate.
Then the nurse didn’t see anything. I just figured she needed to adjust the gain a little. But then she said, “It might be ectopic.”
I said, “So you’re saying it’s nothing or it’s ectopic?”
“Yes.” Then she left us with a box of tissues. I had some blood drawn to confirm that there was a pregnancy somewhere. The medical assistant struggled to find my vein and pricked me again and again as I sat there sobbing. Then they kindly offered that we could leave through the side door. I did honestly take it as a kindness, though it also occurred to me that it’s probably bad business for a fertility center to have a sobbing woman walking through the lobby.
A few weeks after the surgery to remove the wayward pregnancy, my husband and I met with the doctor to discuss our situation. We hadn’t even known an ectopic pregnancy was possible because the embryos are transferred directly into the uterus. And the possibility is extremely low; the doctor said the chance was less than 1 percent, which is less than among the general population.
“The worst luck you could possibly have,” he said.
Our first year of trying, when my husband and I were 30 and 31, was a time of assumptions: that we would conceive like everyone else, that having a child was the most natural thing in the world.
The next year brought tests, anxiety and doubts. Then came fertility treatments, followed by our two cycles of in vitro fertilization, and finally, three months of acupuncture and herbs from a Taiwanese doctor. And now, nearly five years since we started, we have nothing to show for any of it.
Except our photos: grainy images of all the embryos we created in a laboratory. And I can’t bring myself to throw them away, these artifacts of our fertility science experiment and our gamble with luck. Though they are nothing more than blobs of cells, I can’t help wondering whom they might have become. They may not have gotten very far in life, but they are the only life we’ve created.
Like the photos on our walls and in our albums, they are part of our history. It’s just that we would probably be violating some social norm if we were to frame them and hang them on the walls. Not that we have any desire to do so. Instead, we tuck them away in nooks, stuff them into drawers, shove them into the corners of our closets and our minds, along with the books, clothes, furniture, expectations and dreams. Occasionally we bump into them and remember, “Oh, right, there’s that.”
In the closet with the books is a Target bag containing baby clothes and an “I love Daddy” bib that I bought in a fit of hope around the time of our first pregnancy. In our cabinets and refrigerator, we also have prenatal vitamins, prescription folic acid and in vitro fertilization drugs. Somewhere in our apartment is a Consumer Reports checklist of must-have nursery furniture and baby gear.
As for child care arrangements, we’ve already worked out several plans, each with its pros and cons. We’ve decided on cloth diapers and flexible 529 college saving plans. We’ve ruled against using Baby Einstein before age 2, having a family bed and allowing mobile phones in high school.
We even have names, which don’t take up any space except in our heads. We have first and second choices for each gender and haven’t wavered on them in two years. Last month over lunch I asked my newly pregnant sister not to steal — er, use our names. But I had sounded so grave when I announced that I needed to “discuss something important” with her that she smiled with relief when she realized it was only baby names. “I thought you were going to say you and Bill were getting divorced or something,” she said.
In the end I think she believed I was being unreasonable about the names, one of which was her choice as well, particularly in my request that she not take our second-favorite names, either. But how could she have known how precious those names are to us? We’ve been carrying them around in our hearts for years, if not in our arms.
Most of our friends and family don’t know we have all of these books, photos, names and parenting philosophies. I doubt it occurs to people with real babies that we have prepared exactly as they have, if not more. The only thing we don’t have is the baby book. Hallmark doesn’t carry a version for people like us to preserve our “Empty Uterus” and “Embryo in the Wrong Place” pictures. (Instead of “Our Baby” embossed on the cover, I suppose they could put “Well, It Was a Long Shot Anyway.”)
It’s time for us to move on, I know. But how do you move on when every month brings a new cycle of hope? When your first reaction to a new period is to add ovulation predictors to your Target shopping list? When you can’t stop yourself from feeling a corrosive bitterness toward every family parading by with the babies they seem to have come by so easily?
Conventional wisdom tells us that hope is a good thing. Hope is what gets us through difficulty. But over these years I’ve come to realize that hope is sometimes slow torture. When hope keeps you anxious and bitter and stuck in some fantasy of the perfect nuclear family, then maybe hope isn’t what you need anymore. Maybe the most hopeful action one could take would be to abandon hope altogether.
Turns out I’m not alone in thinking this. When The New York Times Magazine recently published its list of the most innovative ideas of 2007, I got some satisfaction out of the inclusion of a study claiming that in certain cases hope can be an obstacle to emotional recovery.
I imagine a lot of people would call our years of fertility treatment and our $20,000 in vitro fertilization bill, which we paid with a loan, nothing more than vanity anyway, or selfishness. But it’s not so simple.
It’s not vanity to want a child with my husband’s laugh and spiky blond hair, or for him to want a long-legged girl with brown hair, freckles and gaps in her teeth. It’s love. And of all the baby items we’ve had to find places to store in this apartment, that unspent love is the most unwieldy. Unlike our books, furniture, clothes and pictures, it can’t be returned, given away, or shoved into the corners of our closet. And unlike hope, it probably won’t be found through scientific study to be an obstacle to emotional recovery.
SO we are pursuing an adoption in China. Some of our friends are surprised we’re O.K. with the fact that it takes about two years to complete an adoption in China, not including the three to five months it takes to put the paperwork in order.
But by now we are used to waiting. And we chose China because it offers something that fertility doctors, Mother Nature and plenty of other adoption options can’t: a predictable schedule and the closest thing possible to a guarantee.
We don’t know how to stop hoping for a biological child. But that doesn’t mean we can’t look forward to our adoption. Slowly, books on adoption and attachment like “Are Those Kids Yours?” and “A Love Like No Other” are finding a place in our closet alongside still relevant titles like “The No-Cry Sleep Solution.”
After all, no-cry solutions are useful no matter what the circumstance. Not to mention “I love Daddy” bibs.

Open Letter

(*Note, I did not create this piece of writing. I do not think I have the courage to write such thoughts down. But the sentiments are mine, and would be those of any woman sturggling with years of infertility and a recent miscarriage.*)

To the many expectant and soon-to-be expectant mothers in my life (with love):

I know this is a very special time for you – a time filled with excitement, anticipation and unbounding love for your baby soon to enter the world. This time is for you – a chance to celebrate, to contemplate, to prepare. This is your moment to delight in the joy of expectancy, to embrace the promise of parenthood, to exude radiance. To rejoice in feeling life grow inside with every fluttering heartbeat, every kick. Soon you will enter the sacred sisterhood of women who become mothers, forever transforming their lives. Soon your arms will hold new life, as you bask in the warm glow of your child’s beaming eyes. Soon your heart will fill when you hear his/her laughter, the tight grasp around your finger. You will marvel at the wondrous little being you created out of love, in an act more natural than any in the world.

And yet. As you enter perhaps the most magnificent time in your life, we are finding our way through crisis, trying to navigate a life-altering journey with persistence and grace. We don’t know where it will lead us, how it will end. Our future is uncertain. I don’t expect many people to understand what we are going through. But I would hope that you would try to appreciate that it is real. It is crushing. It underlies and permeates every aspect of our lives, everything we do. As impossible as it is to imagine, as hard as it is to see, and as challenging as it is to live, it is our life and our story. And it is staggering. Such a primal urge, a natural instinct, a deep desire – unmet, unfilled, unlived…

The truth is, unless you’ve experienced the deep sorrow of repeated failures or a devastating loss in your quest for a child, I don’t think you can know what I feel. Unless your dreams for a family have been shattered time after time, no matter how hard you pray or will them to come true, you can’t know the tremendous sorrow that lives deep in my heart. Unless you’ve been defeated by the consistent betrayal of your own body, unless you’ve felt broken to the core, you can’t know the ache of my empty womb as time moves on…

But as my friend and loved one, I would hope that you can open your heart and mind to try to appreciate where I’m coming from, where I am. That you can understand I may need time and space to heal, to deal. That you will not take it personally or take offense. That with love and compassion you might try to understand this is not about you. (I know, I said before it’s all about you, but this part is about me.) I sincerely hope you can accept that my actions and emotions reflect my own affliction, and not my feelings about you or your child.

I will wholly embrace your baby into this world with blessings and an open heart. But just as my joy for you is not diminished by my own suffering, my pain is not diminished by sharing your joy. My heart still aches, my arms long to be filled, and my womb lies empty, still…

Perhaps we’re both incapable of seeing beyond our own experience at this moment in time. Understandable. But as I find joy in my heart for you in my time of crisis, please have compassion in your heart for me in your time of joy.

Happy New Year 2008

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year.