Ponderings.... & News

Knowing that God is sovereign doesn’t mean we must have dry eyes and respond with passivity to prove we have faith. It means we rest in the assurance that He’s in control, despite our pain. As a sovereign and good God, He is not taken by surprise when his children suffer. Rather than be thwarted, his purposes advance through our suffering. Therein lies the tension, though. God is all-loving, yet he allows this pain; God is all-powerful, yet he doesn’t take away the hurt. So we ask: Is God good and will I trust Him? These are the most important questions we can ask and answer on the infertility journey."

So this quote is very specific and it's not deeply thought-provoking in the way C.S. Lewis's quotes are, but it's True. I think the root of most people's hardship with their particular form of trials/suffering is the question of God's goodness and intentions [for us]. Having faced trials in the past, we can (with assurance) say that God is Good and His intentions are for our sanctification and His glory. Whether our sanctification is His chastisement for sin in our lives, or just pruning areas of lesser fruit out, we are being transformed into the image of His Son.

I've been reading a book particular to our unique situation and I've come away with a lot of good quotes for my benefit. I've also come away realizing that I'm not such an anomaly, what I experience on a day to day basis in my spiritual life, marriage, friendships, and family relaitonships is quite common, even in the Bible! With that said...

We have news. Ever since moving we've been trying to continue protocols at the clinic back in San Antonio. Our 6 months away from there has yielded only one trip. We've been waiting for the next opportunity, which looked like July or August (due to Jonathan's training schedule). Since we moved, we've been on the waiting list for the IVF program there, and had a spot in April 2008. Until then, we'd continue the treatments available. Now though, we were just offered a spot in the Aug/Sep 2007 cycle - yes, this summer! Shocked and astounded are the words to describe my feelings. For many days now I've wrestled with even sharing that we're proceeding with IVF. This is an issue most Christians know little about, may not personally know anyone who's been through it, may be misinformed concerning it, and perhaps hold opinions/convictions against it.

I didn't want people's judgement and I personally desired to maintain our privacy (what's left of it!). And yet, there's fear of man as a motivation in there (as Meghan graciously noted!). Then Jonathan and I talked and he pointed out that if we're really doing this with lots of prayer and counsel, and faith that it's ethical and right (with convictions on certain factors), then why should we not tell? Don't Christians need to know? Should not we testify? So, no good reasons for not sharing.

Until I walked through IF, I had no idea how many women in the church were walking that same path. It was only when one person opened up that a host of others would too. And how many of those cute children running around that were Clomid, IUI, of IVF babies!

However, please know that my heart is saddened that we're here, facing this. As much as all the repeated failed treatments had me wanting IVF, now that it's here it's gut-wrenching. It is said that "infertility is the gradual death of a dream. An unsuccessful attempt to have a child is really a loss within a loss. An infertility patient experiences a monthly cycle of hope and despair that falls within the much longer grieving process." How true! Instead of romantic lighting and gentle moments, we'll have a cold, sterile environment with a room full of doctors while I'm "consciously sedated". And yet, we are excited and full of faith that this next step is one God wants us to take. We're excited because on our own we've yet to achieve anything: this could very well work! Don't misunderstand: it is God who will determine the outcome. No one can force an embryo into existance, and no one can implant it in the uterus and produce a pregnancy. All they can do is help guide the process along. The success rate for IVF is about 50%, depending on your diagnosis. We're unexplained, so that's a big unknown.

So for now, we pray, get counsel, answer some tough questions, prepare, write our check, and wait to buy tickets for the time we're told. Oh - and for fun we get blood drawn! :)