This post is a bit old, but I just have to post it. It's surrounding my thoughts and feelings on October 13th...
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One year ago today, after a grueling 7 hours in the ER, I lost my very first baby. My very first hard worked-for child. Jonathan's and my first fruits of our love. It was a day I never ever anticipated living through. While I did not expect to have trouble conceiving, that's something that gradually dawns on you and month by month the acceptance of it comes. But to have never walked with a family member or close friend through a miscarriage basically left me blind-sided completely by the event. I'd heard of them, certainly, but they were something that happened to other people. And then there we were, having lost our own precious one and suddenly left with endlessly unfurling emotions and questions galore.
That child had been prayed for so very hard by us, by our family members, by all 3 of our small groups we'd gone through while trying to conceive, and by more church friends that I can even count. That baby was after 26 months of trying, after multiple medicated cycles, and finally by our first try at in-vitro. We hadn't even really expected it to work. So when it did, the idea of losing the baby was too unbelievable for us to even prepare for.
That day, we both grew into adults. We'd always felt somewhat like giddy teenagers with how blissful and happy our marriage and life was. Even the hard times. Ah, but now we had a precious child in heaven. We were grown-ups. And because Jonathan and I believe in absolutely being genuine in our faith, that means that the next many, many months were spent with a lot of questioning God's goodness, His part in answering our prayers, His part in conception or barrenness, His plans versus living in a fallen/evil world... We did not shy away from asking what can be faith-shaking questions. Because we did believe that if the faith we call Christianity is worth anything, then it is not intimidated or shaken by an earthly person's doubts. Christ does not shush and and tell us we "don't understand" or He doesn't scold for our frail humanity and limited perspective. Often He answers the very way He did Job: He reveals His nature and His Being, and seeing Who God is overwhelms us to the point where we realize our questioning doesn't always make sense because we don't grasp the vastness of God and the universe. Anyway....
We did walk through our most difficult trial in our lives up to this point. The most excrutiating and painful one we'd experienced. And we would reached different places emotionally on the journey, but at one point, there was such an immense emotional Oneness between Jonathan and me, I've never experienced that in our marriage. We were down at our very lowest, and most unsure, but we were there together. And then God had Jonathan deployed, and separately He started to mend my heart and give me a chance to try to trust Him again. He gave me peace with the question "Is God good?" Jonathan had to come home and work through everything on a different time-table as me then, but we both have been working together on a renewed understanding of it all.
I was so scared and doubtful going into IVF #2. That's why I didn't blog or call almost anyone about it. I had no idea what would happen. And when we did get pregnant, and the pregnancy was progressing, we just kept on holding our breath, waiting for something "bad". And it didn't come. And we realized we had to stop waiting and just had to thank God and open our hearts again and be vulnerable enough to, yes, even be hurt again. So far, the Lord has preserved this precious girl's life, and we have never stopped marveling and thanking Him.
But we still have a wound that will always be there, in our hearts, and especially ingrained on my mind, of our precious little lamb that went to be with Jesus last October 13th. I miss that child, as the knowledge of it reminds me occasionally. Like getting a card from Gerber in the mail talking about "your 4 month old". There are songs I heard right after the miscarriage, that will come on unexpectedly and reduce me to tears at the emotional recollection. And then I will touch my very-round belly and I will praise the Lord for the kindness of a child in me right now.
Do we know why we have had to walk this path? No. Are we willing to keep trusting God for the next steps in our lives? Yes. Are we perfect and fearless? No. But will we be vulnerable enough to allow the joy and the pain in? Yes.
And somewhere, I hope and pray I may use the consolation I received to be a shoulder to others and a hand reaching into their darkest days to say "I love you, I have been there, let me just be with you as you grieve."
We miss you little first child of ours. You are always our precious one. May you be worshipping Jesus and fully happy in His presence. We will meet you one day.
Showing posts with label IVF #1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF #1. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Quantitative Beta HCG Results
Dearest Friends & Family,
"O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out! For who hath known the mind of the Lord? or who hath been his counsellor? Or who hath first given to him, and it shall be recompensed unto him again? For of him, and through him, and to him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen." Romans 11:33-26
Although many of you have already been told through the phone, I wanted the chance to write an official notice.
It's so hard to realize that after 26 months we have finally achieved what we have so prayed and longed for. Honestly, my feelings upon this realization are, "I don't deserve this." Because I simply don't. To have our (& your) prayers answered finally in the way we have hoped - this is a grace of God that is joyful to receive. Sunday, as we drove down to the game, we were both pretty discouraged at not having received any hint of a positive test. I was discouraged, thinking this IVF cycle would turn out like all our other attempts (natural or medical). I wasn't surprised in my heart, and I was already readying myself to be a "Multiple IVF'er." I know plenty of ladies who have gone through multiple IVFs. I thought how fortunate those ladies are who achieve pregnancy on their 1st IVF. At that point, I just didn't think I would be a part of that group. And I had the thought that I didn't really feel like I deserved all this trouble to achieve something that comes so easy to most of the population. I didn't feel like I deserved God's further pruning and I don't feel like I deserve his grace via answered prayer.
And yet, He has chosen, for now, to give us our so longed for pregnancy! Yes!!! Monday I had the faintest hint of a positive pregnancy test (Tuesday and Wednesday also). Finally, at my quantitative beta HCG blood draw today, it was confirmed with a level of 56.4!
"O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out! For who hath known the mind of the Lord? or who hath been his counsellor? Or who hath first given to him, and it shall be recompensed unto him again? For of him, and through him, and to him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen." Romans 11:33-26
Although many of you have already been told through the phone, I wanted the chance to write an official notice.
It's so hard to realize that after 26 months we have finally achieved what we have so prayed and longed for. Honestly, my feelings upon this realization are, "I don't deserve this." Because I simply don't. To have our (& your) prayers answered finally in the way we have hoped - this is a grace of God that is joyful to receive. Sunday, as we drove down to the game, we were both pretty discouraged at not having received any hint of a positive test. I was discouraged, thinking this IVF cycle would turn out like all our other attempts (natural or medical). I wasn't surprised in my heart, and I was already readying myself to be a "Multiple IVF'er." I know plenty of ladies who have gone through multiple IVFs. I thought how fortunate those ladies are who achieve pregnancy on their 1st IVF. At that point, I just didn't think I would be a part of that group. And I had the thought that I didn't really feel like I deserved all this trouble to achieve something that comes so easy to most of the population. I didn't feel like I deserved God's further pruning and I don't feel like I deserve his grace via answered prayer.
And yet, He has chosen, for now, to give us our so longed for pregnancy! Yes!!! Monday I had the faintest hint of a positive pregnancy test (Tuesday and Wednesday also). Finally, at my quantitative beta HCG blood draw today, it was confirmed with a level of 56.4!
We are SO HAPPY. I am grateful beyond words at God's answered prayer!!! I have a hard time believeing this is happening to me. That its real. I don't think I really every saw myself being here.
I do get another HCG blood test on Friday, as this level should double approx every 48 hours. If it does, I get an early ultrasound at 6-8 weeks. It it did not, that would indicate a problem, such as an ectopic pregnancy. The chances of this are higher with IVF, so we still covet your prayers!
I feel with all the heartbreak there's been with recent situations I can't disclose, this is God's way of giving some glimmers of sweet hope for answered prayer.
"His mission is to make us trophies of his grace. Never consider it a sign of God’s favor when you regularly find yourself feasting on perennial abundance, soaking up constant fun and sun, and cruising along those carefree boulevards where pain and suffering are perfect strangers. Godliness does not blossom on playgrounds; it flourishes in war zones. If we don’t get worked over and melted down by adversity now and then, it doesn’t mean God is blessing us; it more likely means he is disowning us (Hebrews 12:5-10)."
For now, I am 4 weeks, 1 day Pregnant! Due date is June 3, 2008. Rejoice with us you who have labored long in prayer with us!!!!!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
IVF #1 - Freeze Report & Thoughts
By way of a little update, I'm HOME (got home Monday)! I was never so glad to see a place. :) It's so nice to be back in my home with my husband, as much as I loved being with our dear friends in San Antonio. Even though I was there two whole weeks, they never made me feel like they were tired of my presence! I have been blessed to have those friendships to have friends to go through a time like that. A true blessing.
As far as our news.... one of our precious little embryos kept growing the 5 days to blastocyst stage and is now cryopreserved (I'd wrongly stated previously that blast stage was reached at 3 days!). Blastocyst stage is marked by two cell types present (and too many cells to count): the types that form the placenta, and the types that form the fetus. At blastocyst stage, the embryo is almost ready to attach to the uterine wall (implantation) - it needs only to "hatch" from it's shell (called the zona pellucida) and then successfuly attach. Blastocysts typically maintain or raise the pregnancy rate over 3-day embryos. So, we currently have one waiting for us to use.
I really won't have much to say by way of update for another 5 days or so, until the HCG beta test on Wednesday. I have been trying to spend my time and energy on resting, reflecting, praying, and spending purposeful time in the Word in the interim. Honestly, as big a deal as IVF is, I am not going crazy waiting. I'm not anxious. I'm not wondering about every little symptom. What is has been destined by the hand of God. I cannot change that, so best I submit my heart to Him now when I don't know so that when it's revealed what He's done, I am already trusting.
I have this great quote from a book I completed on my SAT trip, Polishing God's Monuments. Excellent.
"Christian common sense should also remind us that divine revelation is always a far more reliable barometer of reality than our personal perceptions. Don’t always be awash in how things seem; anchor your faith on how divine revelation says they are. With that adjustment, one can trust his goodness even when God may not seem to be good; one can trust he is acting in character even when he may not seem to be measuring up to his own revealed profile; one can trust his power even when it seems he is weak; one can trust his faithfulness even when it seems he is not being faithful.
Is that bind faith? No, not at all. It is humble faith. But doesn’t that seem like gullibility? No, it is patience – with a biblical memory.
That was Job. Did the faith of a poor tormented soul ever look as misplaced as his stubborn faith? He was frustrated out of his mind and bewildered to the bone, yes, but in the end unyielding, “Though he slay me, yet I will trust in him!” (Job 13:15). Then, finally- after forever it must have seemed – the Lord intervened and vindicated Job’s trust, restoring his fortunes greater than before. What a historical monument for any confused by the inscrutable ways of God."
As far as our news.... one of our precious little embryos kept growing the 5 days to blastocyst stage and is now cryopreserved (I'd wrongly stated previously that blast stage was reached at 3 days!). Blastocyst stage is marked by two cell types present (and too many cells to count): the types that form the placenta, and the types that form the fetus. At blastocyst stage, the embryo is almost ready to attach to the uterine wall (implantation) - it needs only to "hatch" from it's shell (called the zona pellucida) and then successfuly attach. Blastocysts typically maintain or raise the pregnancy rate over 3-day embryos. So, we currently have one waiting for us to use.
I really won't have much to say by way of update for another 5 days or so, until the HCG beta test on Wednesday. I have been trying to spend my time and energy on resting, reflecting, praying, and spending purposeful time in the Word in the interim. Honestly, as big a deal as IVF is, I am not going crazy waiting. I'm not anxious. I'm not wondering about every little symptom. What is has been destined by the hand of God. I cannot change that, so best I submit my heart to Him now when I don't know so that when it's revealed what He's done, I am already trusting.
I have this great quote from a book I completed on my SAT trip, Polishing God's Monuments. Excellent.
"Christian common sense should also remind us that divine revelation is always a far more reliable barometer of reality than our personal perceptions. Don’t always be awash in how things seem; anchor your faith on how divine revelation says they are. With that adjustment, one can trust his goodness even when God may not seem to be good; one can trust he is acting in character even when he may not seem to be measuring up to his own revealed profile; one can trust his power even when it seems he is weak; one can trust his faithfulness even when it seems he is not being faithful.
Is that bind faith? No, not at all. It is humble faith. But doesn’t that seem like gullibility? No, it is patience – with a biblical memory.
That was Job. Did the faith of a poor tormented soul ever look as misplaced as his stubborn faith? He was frustrated out of his mind and bewildered to the bone, yes, but in the end unyielding, “Though he slay me, yet I will trust in him!” (Job 13:15). Then, finally- after forever it must have seemed – the Lord intervened and vindicated Job’s trust, restoring his fortunes greater than before. What a historical monument for any confused by the inscrutable ways of God."
Friday, September 14, 2007
IVF #1 - Transfer
Well, as you all knew, on Wednesday (24 hours after Retrieval), we received a call from WH stating of the 17 eggs they got, 13 were mature (this is common to have immature ones in the group). Of those 13, 7 fertilized. Our next report was this morning.
When we went in for the Transfer this morning, we were told one extra embryo fertilized late, so we had 8 now. However, none of them were perfect quality (meaning, no fragmentation in the cells). No one agrees upon a grading scale/method, but WH uses A-D, A being no fragmentation, B minor fragmentation, etc. D's rarely make it I think, because they're severely fragmented. Anyway, all of ours were B's.
They also look for them to be 7-8 cells on Day 3 (Transfer Day). We didn't have any with that many, but we had a 6-cell, 3 5-cells, 2 4-cells, and 2 3-cells. The 3-cells they do not expect to keep growing. Whatever is still growing on Sunday will be frozen. It may be all, may be none, we don't know. We were offered a chance to transfer 3 (highly unusual considering my age!), but considering that we had no perfect embryos I guess they thought it worth offering. We chose to only transfer the 6-cell and a 5-cell, simply because we did not think we could honestly pray for a triplet pregnancy/babies.
I'm a little discouraged, given my age and our "unexplained" status, that we didn't get anything better. But the Lord has been in control and it remains that way.
Thank you so much for all your love and prayers. No matter what, I get a blood test on 9/26 to determine the outcome of all this. So until then just pray for the survival of these two embryos inside me. Jonathan flys home tomorrow, I fly home Monday. I'm resting a lot until then. :)
When we went in for the Transfer this morning, we were told one extra embryo fertilized late, so we had 8 now. However, none of them were perfect quality (meaning, no fragmentation in the cells). No one agrees upon a grading scale/method, but WH uses A-D, A being no fragmentation, B minor fragmentation, etc. D's rarely make it I think, because they're severely fragmented. Anyway, all of ours were B's.
They also look for them to be 7-8 cells on Day 3 (Transfer Day). We didn't have any with that many, but we had a 6-cell, 3 5-cells, 2 4-cells, and 2 3-cells. The 3-cells they do not expect to keep growing. Whatever is still growing on Sunday will be frozen. It may be all, may be none, we don't know. We were offered a chance to transfer 3 (highly unusual considering my age!), but considering that we had no perfect embryos I guess they thought it worth offering. We chose to only transfer the 6-cell and a 5-cell, simply because we did not think we could honestly pray for a triplet pregnancy/babies.
I'm a little discouraged, given my age and our "unexplained" status, that we didn't get anything better. But the Lord has been in control and it remains that way.
Thank you so much for all your love and prayers. No matter what, I get a blood test on 9/26 to determine the outcome of all this. So until then just pray for the survival of these two embryos inside me. Jonathan flys home tomorrow, I fly home Monday. I'm resting a lot until then. :)
I've only done two of the Progersterone in Oil shots. I have to do this 2 weeks if not pregnant, 7 weeks if pregnant. The first was a breeze (this IM shot is agreed upon by the IVF community as the WORST)... the 2nd, I think I hit my sciatic nerve, because I woke up at 4 in intense pain and could not sleep after an hour w/o Tylenol! So I've got to get better at that.
If you want to see actual pictures of what I'm talking about with cells and fragmentation, just click the pages below.
http://www.advancedfertility.com/embryoquality.htm
http://www.ohiorepromed.com/embryo_grading.htm
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
IVF #1 - Fertilization Report
WH called today & gave us our report.... Of the 17 eggs they retrieved, 13 were mature. That means 4 were not mature/large enough to have eggs in them (this is quite normal). Of those 13 mature, 7 fertilized - over half! We're (again) grateful to have gotten to this point.
Friday morning at 10 we'll go in for the transfer of the two best looking embryos. We're praying that all of them keep growing strong. Not all usually do, but all that are still growing by Sunday (5 day old embryos, at the blastocyst stage) will be frozen.
We continue to ask for you prayers for these embryos to grow strong and well... all of them, if the Lord wills! Thank you for all your calls, emails, love and support. Update on Friday.
Friday morning at 10 we'll go in for the transfer of the two best looking embryos. We're praying that all of them keep growing strong. Not all usually do, but all that are still growing by Sunday (5 day old embryos, at the blastocyst stage) will be frozen.
We continue to ask for you prayers for these embryos to grow strong and well... all of them, if the Lord wills! Thank you for all your calls, emails, love and support. Update on Friday.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
IVF #1 - Retrieval!
Retrieval was this morning at 10:15. Showed up at 7:30 & did some prep. I was totallly awake for it, remember everything (which I liked)! Mildly painful, right now I'm pretty comfortable resting at home with Jonathan (with Dunkin Donuts he got me!). They got 17 eggs!!!!! We are so blessed and happy at the news, and I'm especially delighted to feel so good. THANK YOU for all your prayers, they have been answered and have meant so much to both of us!
We'll receive a fertilization report tomorrow. More update then.
We'll receive a fertilization report tomorrow. More update then.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
IVF #1 - 9 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #4
Went in this morning for my blood work and ultrasound and got good news!
Lining: 10.6
Left: 18.3, 18.0, 17.9, 17.4, 17.1, 17.0, 16.5, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.2, 12.3, 12.0 (13 total)
Right: 20.6, 19.0, 18.8, 18.6, 15.0, 13.2, 12.0 (7 total)
Because there's one over 20mm, we are ready for the HCG trigger shot tonight & retrieval is scheduled for 10:15 Tuesday morning! My Estradiol level was over 4000 (lots of growing eggs in there)!!!
Jonathan flew out Saturday and gets to be here until Saturday. It is such an emotional and physical strength for me to have him here.
So Tueday is Big Day #1. As you remember us that morning, please pray for what'll go on. I should get a report the next day on how many fertilized. This could be a very good number or a very bad number - we do not know.... So just be aware the news is extremely uncertain at this point since we're "unexplained." You are all very appreciated and loved.
Lining: 10.6
Left: 18.3, 18.0, 17.9, 17.4, 17.1, 17.0, 16.5, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.2, 12.3, 12.0 (13 total)
Right: 20.6, 19.0, 18.8, 18.6, 15.0, 13.2, 12.0 (7 total)
Because there's one over 20mm, we are ready for the HCG trigger shot tonight & retrieval is scheduled for 10:15 Tuesday morning! My Estradiol level was over 4000 (lots of growing eggs in there)!!!
Jonathan flew out Saturday and gets to be here until Saturday. It is such an emotional and physical strength for me to have him here.
So Tueday is Big Day #1. As you remember us that morning, please pray for what'll go on. I should get a report the next day on how many fertilized. This could be a very good number or a very bad number - we do not know.... So just be aware the news is extremely uncertain at this point since we're "unexplained." You are all very appreciated and loved.
Friday, September 07, 2007
IVF #1 - 6 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #3
My newest update contains info from yesterday's appt. Today I start a new med, Gani.rilex. I'd go into what it does, but it's too technical to matter. I get seen again Sunday, and Jonathan comes in tomorrow. We were finally able to get him cleared to miss a week's worth of training (if needed). That was a huge relief. So, now:
Thursday Scan, Day 7 on meds (scans before 7th dose)
Left: 5 at 10mm, 3 at 11mm, 2 at 12mm, 4 less than 10mm (14 total)
Right: 2 at 12mm, 1 at 11mm, 1 at 10mm, few less than 10mm (4+ total)
Lining: 12.1
Perhaps when we go in Sunday that'll be trigger day. If it isn't, I'll come in Monday & every day until the time, I think. Retrieval is 36 hours after trigger, I think.
Yesterday was a tough day emotionally and physically. The waiting and being without Jonathan has been tough. In addition to that, I've had a dear friend go through a terrible loss and I've felt it greatly. And another situation came up today that was devastating. I've never had so much hit in a week. I have been crying all day and personally grieving so many things. I don't know what God is doing, but I feel numb at it all right now.
Not to end on that note, I'm enjoying time with my old San Antonio friends. Tubing trip tomorrow and coffee w/my old LG leader's wife Tues. Those will be great for catch-up. I'll update after my Sun appt - Jonathan & I get to go to our old church! We're so glad!
Thank you ALL for checking in often, for your comments, prayers, and encouragement! They are a Lifesaver to my heart.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
IVF Update #1
So, after a wonderful weekend with the Freas family in GA, I got back to San Antonio Monday night!
I'd flown from GA to TX on Wed for a Thurs appt, and planned on flying back Thurs afternoon after the appt, & returning Mon night to TX for the Tuesday morn next appt. Then I'd stay here 2 weeks or whatever it takes for stims, ER, ET, and any further follow-up. 2 trips aren't as cost-effective, but I'm already going to be apart from my husband a long time as it is, and we'd planned on having the Freas for Labor Day Weekend! We agreed this schedule was worth the cost/hassle. And if something forced me to stay in TX longer, I'd stay because of course IVF comes first. That was our mindset.
So Thurs (Appt #1, Baseline Date!) I got to WH at 5:30, but found the lab no longer keeps the tickets outside! So I have to try to get my ultrasound number and then hope I don't get a bad nubmer at the lab (it's a huge hassle & lots of people lining up). :( Bleh. I didn't know which doc I'd get for ultrasound, but I got my fav, very wonderful for this particular day!!! Mostly because I had a cyst, big enough to be on the border of needing draining (from the supression meds I'd been on prior to IVF). The dr was so nice. He was doing the ultrasound, and started on the right, looked around a few seconds, and then mumbled a concerned, "Oh Sweetheart, what's this?" He told me the cyst was small enough I might be able to proceed, but when my blood levels came back that would tell whether or not I needed it drained. He said he would call. He usually gives the feeling that I can take all the time I need to ask questions, but he seemed hurried today. I understood, IVF there is busy.
Typically I'd have told him I was trying to fly out back to GA later that day, but I wasn't sure they exactly liked me not being driving-distance from the clinic - even though they didn't want to see me again until Tues morning. So I told him if it needed draining no problem. I had to stick around until 10 for the injections/meds class anyway, and figured he would call anytime. Apparently he had a meeting and wasn't even around to ask personally then (and my blood had been ready since 7 that morning!). I assumed his latency in calling must have meant things were ok. So I proceeded to get a ride to the airport to catch my 1:10 flight (my friend's dad had set aside his whole morning to take me when I was ready). I arrived there and sat at my gate. I did want to make it home on the original plan, but was not wanting to leave the city w/o his call. Sure enough, 12:30ish, he calls and tells me the cyst needs draining. I told him I'd be there ASAP. A catch: he wanted me to take valium/percoset for the procedure, as it can be painful. This would prohibit me from driving myself back to the airport. I told him I preferred no meds so I could drive myself... & he ok'ed it (His words: "If you want to Civil War Style it, you can.") I grabbed the quickest rental car I could get (cheaper than a taxi, I checked) and headed back to WH. I had called J & we prayed. I felt such peace about everything that was happening. Not worried about getting to GA that night, not scared about the procedure, not upset. Just peace. Even the gate agent kindly switched my flight to a later one.
I got to WH and was seen immediately. They were all a little amused at my desire for no meds, but got right down to business. My doc told me, "You know this room, I met you here." It was the same for my hysteroscopy last Oct. How on earth does a doctor remember when & where they met you? (See why I love him? I'm not a number and a chart, I'm a person.) The whole thing was over in about 30 minutes and was actually not very painful. (I was later commended for my behavior as better than women on meds!) And a bonus from getting the cyst aspiration: that procedure is the exact same as the IVF Retrieval. That's the only part I was nervous about on this whole IVF (everything else I've experienced before). Now, I've experienced that too, so nothing to be nervous about.
I got back to GA late that night with a 3+ hour delay, but I was home! We had the entire weekend to spend w/the Freas family & every day we lived it out to the max with fun, fun, fun!!! (Pics later)
This morn, Appt #2 was fast. Even though I arrived at 5:30a I was #2... by the time all the ladies arrived for scans, there were about 20; it was ridiculous! I'm so glad I went early, that would have been such a hassle waiting around. Was in & out in like 3 minutes & got an ok doc. I think he was impressed I didn't seem anxious/worried or have tons of questions (that'll come later!).
So, Tuesday's scan, after 4 days of meds (150iu Follistim in am, 15cc HCG in pm) revealed:
Left: 12 less than 10mm, largest 7.8
Right: 10.2, 12.1 and 4 (not sure I heard right on that?) less than 10mm,
Lining: 6.7
My left has always outgrown my right, but whatever. After my labs came back, they called & told me tomorrow take my Follistim down to 125iu. Guess my E2 is a bit high. No prob since they give me a pre-mixed "pen" for injecting any amount, rather than mixing my doses & such. My stomach is a bit sore around the injection sites, because I've done 2 on my right and 8 on my left - beacuse the 1st HCG on the right bruised badly! The soreness makes it hard to pinch the skin for the injection. :/
I scheduled my 1st IVF Acupuncture. I'll have 5 appts, the first will be 5-9 days pre-retrieval. Statistically, even though it can't be explained, Acupuncture increases pregnancy rates w/ IVF.
I'd flown from GA to TX on Wed for a Thurs appt, and planned on flying back Thurs afternoon after the appt, & returning Mon night to TX for the Tuesday morn next appt. Then I'd stay here 2 weeks or whatever it takes for stims, ER, ET, and any further follow-up. 2 trips aren't as cost-effective, but I'm already going to be apart from my husband a long time as it is, and we'd planned on having the Freas for Labor Day Weekend! We agreed this schedule was worth the cost/hassle. And if something forced me to stay in TX longer, I'd stay because of course IVF comes first. That was our mindset.
So Thurs (Appt #1, Baseline Date!) I got to WH at 5:30, but found the lab no longer keeps the tickets outside! So I have to try to get my ultrasound number and then hope I don't get a bad nubmer at the lab (it's a huge hassle & lots of people lining up). :( Bleh. I didn't know which doc I'd get for ultrasound, but I got my fav, very wonderful for this particular day!!! Mostly because I had a cyst, big enough to be on the border of needing draining (from the supression meds I'd been on prior to IVF). The dr was so nice. He was doing the ultrasound, and started on the right, looked around a few seconds, and then mumbled a concerned, "Oh Sweetheart, what's this?" He told me the cyst was small enough I might be able to proceed, but when my blood levels came back that would tell whether or not I needed it drained. He said he would call. He usually gives the feeling that I can take all the time I need to ask questions, but he seemed hurried today. I understood, IVF there is busy.
Typically I'd have told him I was trying to fly out back to GA later that day, but I wasn't sure they exactly liked me not being driving-distance from the clinic - even though they didn't want to see me again until Tues morning. So I told him if it needed draining no problem. I had to stick around until 10 for the injections/meds class anyway, and figured he would call anytime. Apparently he had a meeting and wasn't even around to ask personally then (and my blood had been ready since 7 that morning!). I assumed his latency in calling must have meant things were ok. So I proceeded to get a ride to the airport to catch my 1:10 flight (my friend's dad had set aside his whole morning to take me when I was ready). I arrived there and sat at my gate. I did want to make it home on the original plan, but was not wanting to leave the city w/o his call. Sure enough, 12:30ish, he calls and tells me the cyst needs draining. I told him I'd be there ASAP. A catch: he wanted me to take valium/percoset for the procedure, as it can be painful. This would prohibit me from driving myself back to the airport. I told him I preferred no meds so I could drive myself... & he ok'ed it (His words: "If you want to Civil War Style it, you can.") I grabbed the quickest rental car I could get (cheaper than a taxi, I checked) and headed back to WH. I had called J & we prayed. I felt such peace about everything that was happening. Not worried about getting to GA that night, not scared about the procedure, not upset. Just peace. Even the gate agent kindly switched my flight to a later one.
I got to WH and was seen immediately. They were all a little amused at my desire for no meds, but got right down to business. My doc told me, "You know this room, I met you here." It was the same for my hysteroscopy last Oct. How on earth does a doctor remember when & where they met you? (See why I love him? I'm not a number and a chart, I'm a person.) The whole thing was over in about 30 minutes and was actually not very painful. (I was later commended for my behavior as better than women on meds!) And a bonus from getting the cyst aspiration: that procedure is the exact same as the IVF Retrieval. That's the only part I was nervous about on this whole IVF (everything else I've experienced before). Now, I've experienced that too, so nothing to be nervous about.
I got back to GA late that night with a 3+ hour delay, but I was home! We had the entire weekend to spend w/the Freas family & every day we lived it out to the max with fun, fun, fun!!! (Pics later)
This morn, Appt #2 was fast. Even though I arrived at 5:30a I was #2... by the time all the ladies arrived for scans, there were about 20; it was ridiculous! I'm so glad I went early, that would have been such a hassle waiting around. Was in & out in like 3 minutes & got an ok doc. I think he was impressed I didn't seem anxious/worried or have tons of questions (that'll come later!).
So, Tuesday's scan, after 4 days of meds (150iu Follistim in am, 15cc HCG in pm) revealed:
Left: 12 less than 10mm, largest 7.8
Right: 10.2, 12.1 and 4 (not sure I heard right on that?) less than 10mm,
Lining: 6.7
My left has always outgrown my right, but whatever. After my labs came back, they called & told me tomorrow take my Follistim down to 125iu. Guess my E2 is a bit high. No prob since they give me a pre-mixed "pen" for injecting any amount, rather than mixing my doses & such. My stomach is a bit sore around the injection sites, because I've done 2 on my right and 8 on my left - beacuse the 1st HCG on the right bruised badly! The soreness makes it hard to pinch the skin for the injection. :/
I scheduled my 1st IVF Acupuncture. I'll have 5 appts, the first will be 5-9 days pre-retrieval. Statistically, even though it can't be explained, Acupuncture increases pregnancy rates w/ IVF.
Overall, though, I realized upon pondering Thursday's events, I'm not sure I've ever had just one thing after another go so smoothly and so much peace surround my spirit when it's not the perfect way we hope. I don't think a lack of problems grows my faith as much as God's provision when problems arise. I know the Lord is answering prayer. I know I can be level-headed often, but last time this happened (in April, for a much less important procedure) I was so distraught! I felt kicked around and left bruised by it all, and mostly I felt alone. This was different. I KNOW it is because there are so many people praying for us and the Lord is showing me by exposing my needs He is meeting them in answered prayer for so many. That's a great thought.
I go in this Thurs & pray I can get some idea when Jonathan needs to be out here. I'd ask all you wonderful friends to PLEASE keep praying for the Lord's grace, providence, direction and peace every day. Pray for Jonathan & my hearts to walk through this with true faith in God's unchanging Character.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Last Update Before San Antonio!
So.... this will be my last update until I'm settled into San Antonio. I go there this Wednesday/Thursday, and then come back to spend Labor Day weekend with my husband and the Freas. I then leave out Monday afternoon Sept 3 until Sept 18th! I cannot comprehend being away from Jonathan that long. Sure we've gone it, but not happily! I know he'll be there for 2 days minimum (4 max?) in the middle/end of that time, but it's odd me being the one initiating leaving. I am accusom to the military sending him away!
Once I arrive in San Antonio on the 3rd, I'll being every 2-3 day trips into the doctors there, and I'll be updating this site with interesting news I get. Specifically, when we get dates for Retrieval and Transfer I'll post those. Those are very important days!!! I am so grateful to be in a city with doctors I know (and like) and to be surrounded by dear friends. I am already making plans for Starbucks trips, tubing trips, sushi, lots of authentic Mexican, RiverWalk time, all that lovely San Antonio life with dear people!
I would ask for prayer that we can see God's plan unfolding, that we'd experience grace for any good or bad that comes our way, that we realize and can proclaim (with our lives) the glory of God, and that we find Joy. True Joy is not to be found apart from Christ. Lewis said, "The very nature of Joy makes nonsense of our common distinction between having and wanting." True joy is not found in achieving pregnancy or having a child of our own - that is just a shadow of the real Joy. They are the "Island in the West" (a nod to Pilgrim's Regress) leading us to search out the fountain of Joy - Christ!
So for now we wait, some more. I'm happy to receive phone calls/emails wile I'm in Texas too, don't be afraid of disturbing me!
I'll close with a picture of us from our Florida trip. We LOVED it! Our time was just so wonderfully restful and fun!!! Tons of beach time, great seafood every day, and our final day (Sunday) we booked a 4 hour deep-sea fishing trip! It was super exciting and we caught a bunch of red snapper (6-8 worth keeping, bunches of more smaller) and Jonathan got a King Mackrel! They put up a great fight and when you gaff it & pull it up to the boat, it kicks around and blood spurts everywhere: it's so thrilling! That trip was well worth it and so now not only do we have a great trip in our memories, we have fish in the freezer. :) I forgot my camera the fishing trip, but they would have made great pics! Here is us on the beach though!
Once I arrive in San Antonio on the 3rd, I'll being every 2-3 day trips into the doctors there, and I'll be updating this site with interesting news I get. Specifically, when we get dates for Retrieval and Transfer I'll post those. Those are very important days!!! I am so grateful to be in a city with doctors I know (and like) and to be surrounded by dear friends. I am already making plans for Starbucks trips, tubing trips, sushi, lots of authentic Mexican, RiverWalk time, all that lovely San Antonio life with dear people!
I would ask for prayer that we can see God's plan unfolding, that we'd experience grace for any good or bad that comes our way, that we realize and can proclaim (with our lives) the glory of God, and that we find Joy. True Joy is not to be found apart from Christ. Lewis said, "The very nature of Joy makes nonsense of our common distinction between having and wanting." True joy is not found in achieving pregnancy or having a child of our own - that is just a shadow of the real Joy. They are the "Island in the West" (a nod to Pilgrim's Regress) leading us to search out the fountain of Joy - Christ!
So for now we wait, some more. I'm happy to receive phone calls/emails wile I'm in Texas too, don't be afraid of disturbing me!
I'll close with a picture of us from our Florida trip. We LOVED it! Our time was just so wonderfully restful and fun!!! Tons of beach time, great seafood every day, and our final day (Sunday) we booked a 4 hour deep-sea fishing trip! It was super exciting and we caught a bunch of red snapper (6-8 worth keeping, bunches of more smaller) and Jonathan got a King Mackrel! They put up a great fight and when you gaff it & pull it up to the boat, it kicks around and blood spurts everywhere: it's so thrilling! That trip was well worth it and so now not only do we have a great trip in our memories, we have fish in the freezer. :) I forgot my camera the fishing trip, but they would have made great pics! Here is us on the beach though!
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Thoughts on Suffering...
While in church this morning, I was having thoughts about how being in need actually increases our spiritual awareness. Yesterday we caught the end of a shark program and the guy on there was going out (in a normal swim suit) to some 4-foot water where many sharks were swimming around. He was trying to prove that sharks weren't predatory toward humans, that if they attack it's because we made them feel unsafe. With a badly scarred leg from a recent shark bite, he mentioned how he now goes out hungry, to keep his senses acute.
I guess when we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name" this morning, I realized times of suffering, pain, and darkness keep our spiritual senses acute. I know when I have a glaring need in my life, I am much more purposeful about times in the Word and prayer with the Lord. I recognize and know my need much more readily. Trials in life remind us this in not our home, and they remind us we're put here for more than earthly pleasure. Clearly there is something Eternal more worthy than all this.
I Peter 1:6-9 tells us, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
I sang: "Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name. Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise, When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name."
I thought how singing this at times in church is easy, and other times it's hard. Sometimes a song like this takes faith to even say the words. How often at CrossBridge in San Antonio the church sang this and I could barely choke it out, tears just pouring rapidly. Today, in what feels like the calm before the storm, I sang - knowing soon I'll be tested on calling Him blessed and praising perhaps in darkness. I hope I'm ready. I find myself thinking more and more about IVF next month, religiously checking the blogs of my current friends doing IVF to see whether theirs failed or succeeded - as if that had any bearing on us! I find myself unable to grasp how I'd feel if it were a complete failure. So I just pray for a ready heart.
I guess when we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name" this morning, I realized times of suffering, pain, and darkness keep our spiritual senses acute. I know when I have a glaring need in my life, I am much more purposeful about times in the Word and prayer with the Lord. I recognize and know my need much more readily. Trials in life remind us this in not our home, and they remind us we're put here for more than earthly pleasure. Clearly there is something Eternal more worthy than all this.
I Peter 1:6-9 tells us, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
I sang: "Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name. Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise, When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name."
I thought how singing this at times in church is easy, and other times it's hard. Sometimes a song like this takes faith to even say the words. How often at CrossBridge in San Antonio the church sang this and I could barely choke it out, tears just pouring rapidly. Today, in what feels like the calm before the storm, I sang - knowing soon I'll be tested on calling Him blessed and praising perhaps in darkness. I hope I'm ready. I find myself thinking more and more about IVF next month, religiously checking the blogs of my current friends doing IVF to see whether theirs failed or succeeded - as if that had any bearing on us! I find myself unable to grasp how I'd feel if it were a complete failure. So I just pray for a ready heart.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
July Happenings
The lack of updates has been directly related to the amount of activity in the Wilson household. As usual, we've traveled around a lot. Sometimes I've had my camera, other times I have simply been satisfied to live the moment rather than capture it.
I continue to be deeply touched at how many of the people I've gotten to see face-to-face since our IVF decision have honestly desired to talk about it. I expected a lot more of the "elephant in the room" syndrome and frankly, some censure too. But I've really just had kind, curious, interested people. Thank You - all of you - for your genuine love so far! It still seems so far away (over a month until my 1st appt), and yet I'm glad for this time to reflect and continue to enjoy this honeymoon-like state I find myself in with Jonathan and his current Air Force schedule. I purchased my 1st ticket out for an initial appointment, and it cost $5 because I was able to use Delta miles. Over a year ago, Jonathan realized how much travel we were doing and wisely switched us to a credit card that rewards with miles. His foresight has allowed 4 free tickets so far!
I continue to try my hand at another step in domesticity as I'm sewing curtains for the living room. Crystal helped a lot reading the pattern and teaching things I was "expected" to know. It's been joyful to productively spend time each day on a project so gratifying!
The garden has been pouring in produce each day. Our biggest producers are yellow squash, okra, and tomatoes. The beets' growth are stunted, and the watermelons have but a week or two more to ripeness! The 2nd corn planting hasn't happened yet. Because of the heavy tomato volume, at Crystal's encouragement, we bought 2 lbs of buffalo mozzarella at Sam's and have nightly been serving "Salad Caprese". You simply slice the tomatoes and mozarella into rounds, layering it alternately on a plate. Then drizzle on extra virgin olive oil, balsamic vinegar, fresh basil shreds, fresh-ground pepper and sea salt. Truly delicious with all fresh ingredients!
Now, because I have little to add at the time, I shall conclude with a picture update of the last 2 weeks. I shall attempt more regular updates!!!
The Fourth Of July - Graydons, Wilsons, Robinsons, O'Malleys.
Girls Jumping in the pool, then Christopher & Sarah. She is SO cute.
Suzanne had a broken toe, so she couldn't walk much. Here's Cath & Suz talking, then Steph & Mary in the pool.
Katrina Joy! Crystal outside the aircraft that took us back to Georgia. Jonathan let her fly for about 30 minutes, & she liked it.
Seth & Carter... love the bald head.... Then Jonathan cooking up Injera (Ethiopian flat bread). What a good meal!
This is the runway at Robins... And Jonathan bringing us in for a landing. His landings honestly are better than I've ever experienced - very smooth!
Crystal & me at the Atlanta Acquarium... Jonathan & me at a South African restaurant we took Crystal to, called 10 Degrees South. Truly delicious.
Crystal playing with my kitty Peaches, then her and I at our Daily Starbucks trip! How many wonderful talks we had there!
I continue to be deeply touched at how many of the people I've gotten to see face-to-face since our IVF decision have honestly desired to talk about it. I expected a lot more of the "elephant in the room" syndrome and frankly, some censure too. But I've really just had kind, curious, interested people. Thank You - all of you - for your genuine love so far! It still seems so far away (over a month until my 1st appt), and yet I'm glad for this time to reflect and continue to enjoy this honeymoon-like state I find myself in with Jonathan and his current Air Force schedule. I purchased my 1st ticket out for an initial appointment, and it cost $5 because I was able to use Delta miles. Over a year ago, Jonathan realized how much travel we were doing and wisely switched us to a credit card that rewards with miles. His foresight has allowed 4 free tickets so far!
I continue to try my hand at another step in domesticity as I'm sewing curtains for the living room. Crystal helped a lot reading the pattern and teaching things I was "expected" to know. It's been joyful to productively spend time each day on a project so gratifying!
The garden has been pouring in produce each day. Our biggest producers are yellow squash, okra, and tomatoes. The beets' growth are stunted, and the watermelons have but a week or two more to ripeness! The 2nd corn planting hasn't happened yet. Because of the heavy tomato volume, at Crystal's encouragement, we bought 2 lbs of buffalo mozzarella at Sam's and have nightly been serving "Salad Caprese". You simply slice the tomatoes and mozarella into rounds, layering it alternately on a plate. Then drizzle on extra virgin olive oil, balsamic vinegar, fresh basil shreds, fresh-ground pepper and sea salt. Truly delicious with all fresh ingredients!
Now, because I have little to add at the time, I shall conclude with a picture update of the last 2 weeks. I shall attempt more regular updates!!!
The Fourth Of July - Graydons, Wilsons, Robinsons, O'Malleys.
Girls Jumping in the pool, then Christopher & Sarah. She is SO cute.
Suzanne had a broken toe, so she couldn't walk much. Here's Cath & Suz talking, then Steph & Mary in the pool.
Katrina Joy! Crystal outside the aircraft that took us back to Georgia. Jonathan let her fly for about 30 minutes, & she liked it.
Seth & Carter... love the bald head.... Then Jonathan cooking up Injera (Ethiopian flat bread). What a good meal!
This is the runway at Robins... And Jonathan bringing us in for a landing. His landings honestly are better than I've ever experienced - very smooth!
Crystal & me at the Atlanta Acquarium... Jonathan & me at a South African restaurant we took Crystal to, called 10 Degrees South. Truly delicious.
Crystal playing with my kitty Peaches, then her and I at our Daily Starbucks trip! How many wonderful talks we had there!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Ponderings.... & News
Knowing that God is sovereign doesn’t mean we must have dry eyes and respond with passivity to prove we have faith. It means we rest in the assurance that He’s in control, despite our pain. As a sovereign and good God, He is not taken by surprise when his children suffer. Rather than be thwarted, his purposes advance through our suffering. Therein lies the tension, though. God is all-loving, yet he allows this pain; God is all-powerful, yet he doesn’t take away the hurt. So we ask: Is God good and will I trust Him? These are the most important questions we can ask and answer on the infertility journey."
So this quote is very specific and it's not deeply thought-provoking in the way C.S. Lewis's quotes are, but it's True. I think the root of most people's hardship with their particular form of trials/suffering is the question of God's goodness and intentions [for us]. Having faced trials in the past, we can (with assurance) say that God is Good and His intentions are for our sanctification and His glory. Whether our sanctification is His chastisement for sin in our lives, or just pruning areas of lesser fruit out, we are being transformed into the image of His Son.
I've been reading a book particular to our unique situation and I've come away with a lot of good quotes for my benefit. I've also come away realizing that I'm not such an anomaly, what I experience on a day to day basis in my spiritual life, marriage, friendships, and family relaitonships is quite common, even in the Bible! With that said...
We have news. Ever since moving we've been trying to continue protocols at the clinic back in San Antonio. Our 6 months away from there has yielded only one trip. We've been waiting for the next opportunity, which looked like July or August (due to Jonathan's training schedule). Since we moved, we've been on the waiting list for the IVF program there, and had a spot in April 2008. Until then, we'd continue the treatments available. Now though, we were just offered a spot in the Aug/Sep 2007 cycle - yes, this summer! Shocked and astounded are the words to describe my feelings. For many days now I've wrestled with even sharing that we're proceeding with IVF. This is an issue most Christians know little about, may not personally know anyone who's been through it, may be misinformed concerning it, and perhaps hold opinions/convictions against it.
I didn't want people's judgement and I personally desired to maintain our privacy (what's left of it!). And yet, there's fear of man as a motivation in there (as Meghan graciously noted!). Then Jonathan and I talked and he pointed out that if we're really doing this with lots of prayer and counsel, and faith that it's ethical and right (with convictions on certain factors), then why should we not tell? Don't Christians need to know? Should not we testify? So, no good reasons for not sharing.
Until I walked through IF, I had no idea how many women in the church were walking that same path. It was only when one person opened up that a host of others would too. And how many of those cute children running around that were Clomid, IUI, of IVF babies!
However, please know that my heart is saddened that we're here, facing this. As much as all the repeated failed treatments had me wanting IVF, now that it's here it's gut-wrenching. It is said that "infertility is the gradual death of a dream. An unsuccessful attempt to have a child is really a loss within a loss. An infertility patient experiences a monthly cycle of hope and despair that falls within the much longer grieving process." How true! Instead of romantic lighting and gentle moments, we'll have a cold, sterile environment with a room full of doctors while I'm "consciously sedated". And yet, we are excited and full of faith that this next step is one God wants us to take. We're excited because on our own we've yet to achieve anything: this could very well work! Don't misunderstand: it is God who will determine the outcome. No one can force an embryo into existance, and no one can implant it in the uterus and produce a pregnancy. All they can do is help guide the process along. The success rate for IVF is about 50%, depending on your diagnosis. We're unexplained, so that's a big unknown.
So for now, we pray, get counsel, answer some tough questions, prepare, write our check, and wait to buy tickets for the time we're told. Oh - and for fun we get blood drawn! :)
So this quote is very specific and it's not deeply thought-provoking in the way C.S. Lewis's quotes are, but it's True. I think the root of most people's hardship with their particular form of trials/suffering is the question of God's goodness and intentions [for us]. Having faced trials in the past, we can (with assurance) say that God is Good and His intentions are for our sanctification and His glory. Whether our sanctification is His chastisement for sin in our lives, or just pruning areas of lesser fruit out, we are being transformed into the image of His Son.
I've been reading a book particular to our unique situation and I've come away with a lot of good quotes for my benefit. I've also come away realizing that I'm not such an anomaly, what I experience on a day to day basis in my spiritual life, marriage, friendships, and family relaitonships is quite common, even in the Bible! With that said...
We have news. Ever since moving we've been trying to continue protocols at the clinic back in San Antonio. Our 6 months away from there has yielded only one trip. We've been waiting for the next opportunity, which looked like July or August (due to Jonathan's training schedule). Since we moved, we've been on the waiting list for the IVF program there, and had a spot in April 2008. Until then, we'd continue the treatments available. Now though, we were just offered a spot in the Aug/Sep 2007 cycle - yes, this summer! Shocked and astounded are the words to describe my feelings. For many days now I've wrestled with even sharing that we're proceeding with IVF. This is an issue most Christians know little about, may not personally know anyone who's been through it, may be misinformed concerning it, and perhaps hold opinions/convictions against it.
I didn't want people's judgement and I personally desired to maintain our privacy (what's left of it!). And yet, there's fear of man as a motivation in there (as Meghan graciously noted!). Then Jonathan and I talked and he pointed out that if we're really doing this with lots of prayer and counsel, and faith that it's ethical and right (with convictions on certain factors), then why should we not tell? Don't Christians need to know? Should not we testify? So, no good reasons for not sharing.
Until I walked through IF, I had no idea how many women in the church were walking that same path. It was only when one person opened up that a host of others would too. And how many of those cute children running around that were Clomid, IUI, of IVF babies!
However, please know that my heart is saddened that we're here, facing this. As much as all the repeated failed treatments had me wanting IVF, now that it's here it's gut-wrenching. It is said that "infertility is the gradual death of a dream. An unsuccessful attempt to have a child is really a loss within a loss. An infertility patient experiences a monthly cycle of hope and despair that falls within the much longer grieving process." How true! Instead of romantic lighting and gentle moments, we'll have a cold, sterile environment with a room full of doctors while I'm "consciously sedated". And yet, we are excited and full of faith that this next step is one God wants us to take. We're excited because on our own we've yet to achieve anything: this could very well work! Don't misunderstand: it is God who will determine the outcome. No one can force an embryo into existance, and no one can implant it in the uterus and produce a pregnancy. All they can do is help guide the process along. The success rate for IVF is about 50%, depending on your diagnosis. We're unexplained, so that's a big unknown.
So for now, we pray, get counsel, answer some tough questions, prepare, write our check, and wait to buy tickets for the time we're told. Oh - and for fun we get blood drawn! :)
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