Wednesday, January 09, 2008

life

Tuesday was a difficult day for all sorts of reasons... Aside from the three new easily-obtained pregnancy announcements (one that, incidentally, happenes to be one day from my due date, reminding me anew of all we have lost)... Aside from the fact that once again I got the all-too-familiar crushing acknowledgement of another failed attempt at pregnancy... There were things in play this month that gave us hope we've never yet had naturally. Signs, words, convictions you may call them. We wonder if we even know how to hear the Lord anymore, things are that confusing.

Out at dinner last night, I thought we'd talked it over. And yet, as I was in the shower that evening, I dissolved into a heap of heart-wrenching, full-body sobs.... What was happening? What have we done? What in the world is so wrong in our lives that we must be punshined again and again with childlessness while almost weekly someone we know achieves pregnancy their first month trying - sometimes without even praying, it's such a natural assumption they'll conceive? What is displeasing the Lord so much? What is happening to our prayers? Why do we have no answers?

My weeping brought Jonathan rushing in... all the while knowing why I was crying, but wanting to just hold me as we asked the same questions all over again. In the end, you can't keep crying. After the tears comes a sort of resignation that we must just still press on. That one day, things may be different. Just not today.

*Hysterosalpingogram next Thursday. Dye shot up the uterus so floroscopic xray machine may take pictures of uterus & tubes, to ensure proper shape and open tubes. Already done this Aug06; 22 hours of pain. CCCT, again, too. All necessary for IVF #2 to proceed. Never saw myself doing these a 2nd time.*

5 comments:

Herb of Grace said...

crying for you...... and praying, I know there's really nothing else I can do that will help, but I do care and think of you often...

Susi said...

How well I know that feeling of resignation after the tears. The heart has a way of just dully living on, continuing to beat in spite of the indescribable, relentless pain. This, I have found, is called Strength Gained. I have yet to understand why God wants me to be such a Hercules...yet, there it is. He is my Master Physical Trainer. He sees the perfect outcome ahead, the Holy Child that He wants from this frail body. You are still precious in His sight, Denise, and He collects all your tears in His bottle. Dear friend, *squeeze tightly* you are precious to me, too.

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Rebecca Swan said...

Oh Denise,

I'm so sorry for this hard day...for this hard season. I think of you often and pray for you when the Lord brings you to my thoughts. Wish I could be there to give you a hug. Be Strong and Courageous, for the Lord our God is with you, even though He may feel distant. I love you my friend and will keep praying.

Love,
Rebecca

Madeira girl said...

Denise,
I do not think that we have ever met, but you have been on my heart as well. I have been hesitant to comment because my small time of trial is not the same as what you are going through now, but I feel the Lord pushing me to share. Eight years ago, I went through a very hard miscarriage. I was 11 weeks along and I became very bitter. I had a wonderful friend who was going through infertility herself write this to me. I hope it helps a little.
"As I think back over what I went through with infertility, I recall the times I spent angry, bitter and questioning God, desperatly grasping to understand His plan. I also remember that the only time I was in peace was when I would rest in what I ould not always see. I had to believe by faith that this was God's good for me. I wanted to belive that His good would always be pleasent and enjoyable, but according to His word I knew that when things looked horrible to me that this too was His best for me. This pregnancy and miscarriage was no accident. It was part of an eternal plan rooted in the unchangeable word of God. Not only was it not an accident, it was purposed by God. He chose you in His wisdom to walk through this trial and in His goodness He will sustain you with grace and peace. 'there is nothing that is not good that comes into the lives of God's own. Once my vision of how I thought my life should be was shattered the clearer, sharper, more beautiful picture of God's perfect and reliable plan came into focus.'(true Woman, pg.81) As Debbie Trickett said "He has given His best to me, His own beautiful, beloved child. Will he withold any good thing from me? No,never! Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I do not always feel that it is so, but it is! Jesus loves me, this I know"(true woman, pg.20)
Lastly, don't forget to look with hope to the day you will be able to say "For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come" (song of solomon 2:11-12)

I have kept this letter for eight years now and I still love the words. It speaks to me! I hope this can speak to you as well. I have also found that I have been able to use my painful past to help others who are going through this today. I know the Lord is pruning you so that you too in the future will help those women going through this same thing. Juli is a great example of this! I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. With love in Him, Becky Madeira